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Hi! Welcome to Vertigo's Fun House. Here, you'll find write-ups on unsolved mysteries, riffs of creepypastas/fanfiction, and more. Thanks for stopping by! It means a lot.

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Riff-Review 8: Scootaloo's Parents

I must admit that I've been really harsh on FiMFiction late. This is because much of what's submitted there is standard fanfiction quality; it's either okay, subpar, or bad. The gems in the sea of okay-tier stories are increasingly hard to find as more people join the site. So that brings us to today. As a self imposed challenge, I'm gonna riff a friend's story. I'm terrible at being harsh to my friends—so much so, I've lied to some about certain things. Don't worry, if you're friends with me now and are reading this, it doesn't relate to you.

Anyways: this story. Well, it looks better than the past two stories, though that's not a challenge. My friend is also a significantly better writer than the previous two authors. She's certainly more competent in the field of not being a self-centered buffoon who sees criticism as evil. Though I was also “jokingly” asked if I'd be extra nice to this story. As such, I'll be extra cruel. So without further ado: let's dive into Scootaloo's Family.

First up: our description.

Everypony has always wondered who Scootaloo's family is including Rainbow Dash,

Which is why she's never bothered to ask her for years. Common sense dictates sue likely did off screen. This is a riff though, so common sense is a federal offense and you're not allowed to possess it.

so when she asks to meet them she is taken to meet her guardians at her home.

“Come guardian!” Scootaloo bellowed. Thus, Kingdom Hearts was called forth.

What will happen and who is Scootaloo's family?

Rey's parents.

Done as a hypothetical situation after the recent reveal in the books.

Indeed, this is based off of what was a big deal in the MLP community. Namely, Scootaloo's guardians being lesbians—or at least, I think it was. I'm not sure, I had lost almost all of my interest in the series by this point. Heck, I hadn't watched the show in about 3 years by that point. I think. I digress, decent enough description. Let's get to the story.

Scootaloo's Aunts

Simple chapter title. I have no complaints. Simplicity is great. Wonder if the story will be.

"You're doing great squirt, you'll be flying in no time at this rate!" Rainbow said with a smile as she and Scootaloo finished their most recent flying practice session.

A first paragraph that doesn't make me fear the coming story? Maybe third time really is the charm.

"You really think so?"

Humility and Rainbow Dash don't go together. As such, I doubt it, she likely thinks you'll careen into the local bakery and get a face full of chocolate cake.

"Yeah, give it enough time and you'll be flying circles around even me," Rainbow said with a smile as she ruffled the filly's mane.

Rainbow made a mental note to have someone break Scootaloo's wings if that ever happened. As a result, I'll be referring to Rainbow Dash as Tonya Harding for the rest of this riff.

Scootaloo smiled a little at that, Rainbow had been doing a lot to help her fly, even though it didn't ever really seem to go anywhere the two enjoyed spending time together as sisters.

I've sat here for about 10 minutes trying to think of something to say about this sentence. I wanted to hold back, but screw it. Lemme pick this apart… in the next comment, because they share similar problems.

Sometimes she wished that Rainbow was her real sister though, it would certainly help matters.

Functionally: this sentence and the previous one and this one work. They convey information about why Scootaloo loves to spend time with Rainbow Dash and both do so without hitting info dump levels of pointless expository narration. On the other hand: not showing Scootaloo saying this, and cementing the bond they share, is such a massive missed opportunity that it casts a lighthouse’s light on how bland the sentences are. I’ve spent more time thinking about what  to say about this one minute part of this story than I have about every other story I've riffed put together because they were that pitifully bland. Now hopefully this doesn't break my friendship.

"Hey, why don't I fly you home? Its getting pretty late and all," Rainbow suggested, it was about time for the moon to come up it was true.

Cute sentence—though I'll admit I'm a sucker for the kind of relationship fanfic authors give Scootaloo and Tonya Harding. However the grammar's wonky beyond belief here. I'll refrain as much as I can from pointing it out though, otherwise 97% of this riff may end up being grammatical jokes.

Scootaloo paused a moment, honestly she hadn't ever really had Rainbow Dash over much other than the one time before the Equestria Games.

They celebrated her failing to qualify.

There wasn't much point, she had rarely ever been home herself since her parents were gone all the time.

They worked at the SCP Foundation. That one's for you, Ruin.

"Uh, sure, I guess," Scootaloo said as she climbed onto Rainbow's back and she took off. "You remember where it is right?"


"Of course, why wouldn't I?" Rainbow said with a laugh as she flew off towards the filly's home.

They later got lost, died from dehydration, and were never found. Happy ending.

"You know, I don't think I've ever met your parents, I mean they weren't there when I visited last."

“December 21, 2012. You know, when all those ponies mysteriously vanished.”

"Oh, umm..." Scootaloo started to say, she wasn't sure how to explain to Rainbow that her parents were always away on business.

Legitimate business? If so: this story just got so much cooler.

"My parents are honestly away right now."

As opposed to dishonestly dead, buried six feet under, and worm food.

"Oh, then who's watching you?"

The Zozo demon.

This was the moment of truth, Scootaloo had never really told Rainbow about her family, not because she didn't think that Rainbow wouldn't like them, they just never really had the chance to talk about them.

Why refer to Scootaloo as “they”? That's such a bizarre change in the pronoun game. Unless she's secretly like a male clownfish and can change gender when necessary.

"My aunt and her, special somepony," Scootaloo said with a nod as they came for a nod outside of the house.

Either Tonya Harding got to her house really fast or Scootaloo was dead silent for a while. In spite of Tonya being established as having the capability to break the sound barrier, I want to believe it's the later.

"They should be home now if you want to go meet them."

Uh-oh. Call Zak Bagans.

"Sure!" Rainbow said with a smile as Scootaloo climbed off her back and used a key to open the door.

She then entered the house, pulled out a Glock, and robbed the owners before going home. Tonya Harding was arrested and exiled. Happy ending.

"Aunt Holiday, I'm home," Scootaloo said as she entered the house with Rainbow close behind.

Aunt Holiday will be called Halliday for this riff. She hails from the Ready Player One universe. As such, she shall be viewed as being an unlikable piece of trash who nobody likes because the author's a hack. Ernest whatshisface that is.

"Oh hey Scootaloo," a mare's voice said from the top of the stairs as an Earth pony mare walked downstairs and gave the filly a hug.

Dear God, the sentence structure in this story is so awkward, I feel like I'm trapped watching two socially retarded high schoolers flirting. What's worse is while it's FAR from perfect, the content of the sentences themselves is not half bad. It's simple, straightforward, and not pretentious. It's wholesome enough that it fits the story's content, which is really nice; trust me, there are FiMFiction authors who grasp the idea of tone like most people grasp astrophysics. All of that said: repeating pronouns in the same sentence—in this case, “mare”—reads so badly. I'll stop here before I pick apart the sentence like a surgeon.

"Hey there," Rainbow said, she was a little surprised that Scootaloo's aunt was an Earth Pony, but hey, there was the Cakes, anything could happen. "I'm Rainbow Dash, I'm..."

Comma, comma, comma, comma, comma commeleon. You come and stay, you come and stay.

"Oh, Scootaloo has told us everything about you, its so nice to finally meet you!" Holiday said as she shook Rainbow's hoof with a smile on her face.

“By the way, want to go on a puzzle featuring 80s video games, movies, TV shows and comics? The puzzle features 80s video games, movies, TV shows and comics.”

"You've really helped our little Scootaloo out a lot, thank you."

“She really needed a friend. Her obsession with 90s content was infuriating me.”

"Hey, its what I do," Rainbow said with a smile as she shook the mare's hoof.

I've remained silent on it to let it sink in, but I'm really, REALLY annoyed by the improper usage of “its”. It's not immersion breaking—I’m rather lenient on errors like this, but the repeated botching up of it is starting to irk me. C'mon, “its” is possessive. “It's” is “it is”. You're better than this, Ruin!

"Sorry I never really got to visit before, Scootaloo mentioned you and your special somepony have been taking care of her?"

“Ah yes, the 80s version of the Zozo demon. It comes equipped with the ability to the NES!”

"Oh right, her parents are very busy ponies and are hardly ever even in Ponyville," Holiday said with a shake of her head.

“They really got into my puzzle, but 25 billion bits is a lot of money.”

"But we're happy to take care of our favorite niece, isn't that right Scoots?"

Scootaloo tried to respond, but the Zozo demon was in the process of claiming a new host to terrorize Equestria.

"Aww, I'm your only niece," Scootaloo said with a laugh as Holiday ruffled her mane.

I… find that a bit hard to believe, but whatever. Maybe she's their only known niece, or maybe the Zozo demon killed unworthy vessels.

"Hey Lofty, come down here, Rainbow Dash is here!" Holiday called up the stairs and another pony came down.

Lofty shall be referred to as Art3mis to keep in line with my butchering of Ernest Cline's book. Or perhaps, fixing of said book. To each their own I guess.

Rainbow was a bit surprised to see a sturdy looking Pegasus mare coming down the stairs with her wings folded at her sides.

Art3mis weighed about 270 pounds and was ripped like Dwayne Johnson.

"Oh, wow, I didn't know you two were..." Rainbow started to say.

“I didn't know you were a steroid user.”

"Lesbians?" Lofty asked as she put her wing around Holiday.

The other wing punched Tonya Harding out of the house.

"Its okay, we don't really get noticed around town enough for anypony to pick up on it."

Considering Equestria looks to have a 10–1 ratio of females to males, I find this comment a wee bit odd. Would they really that different than, say, Lyra and Bon Bon? Maybe not, but I'll admit that I never paid enough attention to the show or established lore to care about those details. After all, I was the guy who wrote a story about President Trump replacing the leader of Equestris and Twilight Sparkle setting off the Yellowstone supervolcano.

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with that, I'm just surprised is all," Rainbow said with a smile.

Halliday then punched Tonya Harding because I need something dumb to say here.

"Sorry, Scootaloo hasn't ever really talked about her family."

Scootaloo was, however, ashamed at the steroid abuse and being related to a narcissist like Halliday.

"Its fine, we really only recently moved in," Holiday said with a sigh.

If they just recently moved in, I think most ponies have likely not met these two. As such, that's probably another reason nobody's caught on that they're lesbians: they don't know they even exist.

"Scootaloo's parents are usually too busy to spend time with her and she has this tendency to escape her babysitters."

She often escaped to the tropical paradise called Detroit.

"Yeah, I've heard, I think she managed to exhaust Pinkie once, I didn't even think that was possible," Rainbow said with a chuckle.

Exhausting Pinkie sounds like it'd be easy if you neglect her for long enough.

"Yeah, that didn't last long," Scootaloo said with a shake of her head. "Hey, can Rainbow stay for dinner?"

Okay, this has gone on long enough. Time for me to confess something. The small talk in this story is getting excruciatingly dull. Maybe I'm just someone who loathes it and finds it awkward, but the writing here makes me feel like I'm trapped in a conversation between people I don't know, but since I'm stuck on the ride, I can't escape. It’s insufferable at best and boring at worst.

"Well, if she wants to," Lofty said as she looked at Rainbow.

The look in her eyes was one of, “If you don't stay, I'll smother you with a pillow while you sleep.”

"What do you think, we'd be glad to have Scootaloo's big sister here for dinner."

This line is cute, but I yearn for something to happen. Anything. Even something as simple as Rainbow exploding in a gory display of OMGWTF.

"Sure, I'd love to join you," Rainbow said with a smile.

Great, a dinner scene. I can't wait to see how this goes.


For a second, I thought I'd put a comment here and I forgot. Then I remembered: this is the scene transition. While not uncommon for some authors to use numbers or symbols, you can easily put [hr] and get a transitional line. It'll look better too.

While Scootaloo and Lofty went to get dinner ready Rainbow was looking around the house curiously.

This has turned into L.A. Noire. I dig it.

She found some pictures of Scootaloo with an older pony couple that she figured was probably her parents.

One looked like Helen Mirren and the other looked like Jean Claude Van Damme.

She wondered why she had never really seen her parents around town, they had mentioned that they tended to be busy but that didn't explain everything about it.

It kind of does. Assuming they're both on business trips a lot, they'd likely seldom be home. Wait, what's story tagged as? Goes to check Sad and Slice of Life. Okay, never mind, I know where this is going.

"Rainbow Dash?" A mare's voice asked and she turned to see Holiday watching her curiously.

“Have you found my collection of 80s memorabilia?”

"Yeah, can I help you?"

“I need my Van Halen album.”

"I just wanted to say thank you for helping Scootaloo out," Holiday said with a nod.

Nod nod.

"I know you didn't exactly sign up to be her big sister, but it means a lot that she found somepony willing to be there for her."

She always has Sweetie Belle and Ribbon Head. Can't they be there for her?

"You're welcome," Rainbow said with a smile as she trotted over to the Earth Pony mare. "How long have you two been living here?"

The small talk is going to make me rip my hair out.

"Just a few months, its not exactly been easy on her to not have her parents around, so we've been trying to do our best to help her," Holiday said with a sigh.

Not exactly what I'd call as “just recently moved in”, but I define things as only someone in New York can. Lengths of time are… different here. Also, another incorrect use of “its”. I should've made a drinking game out of this.

"What kind of work do they do that keeps them away from their daughter?"

This feels like those options you get in dialogue trees in RPGs. The optional ones where you can learn more about a character. Y'know, the ones most people skip over.

"They run a small company in Fillydelphia and it keeps them busy and moving around Equestria for work, it keeps them from home a lot and when they are here they're always busy," Holiday said then paused a long moment.

Oh, here I expected they were dead. That's much more entertaining, but this works too. Tell me: is it a part of a money laundering operation?

"In truth Rainbow, they're probably never coming back, at least not her mom."

Deadbeat mother alert!

"Wait, why?" Rainbow asked shocked at the implication. "Why in Celestia's name would they leave their daughter behind like that?"

She's a bad mother.

"We didn't want to tell Scootaloo but they've been going through a divorce," Holiday said with a sigh. "Her mom ran out on my brother and he's trying his best but there's not much he can do with all the work he has to do. He asked us to take care of her while he's gone, and we're just trying to do our best."

That's heavy. Also, that woman is a real piece of work. Screw her!

Okay, now this made a lot more sense if that was why her parents were gone so much. If her Dad was trying to keep everything together it couldn't be easy for him to juggle his job and his daughter, but that didn't mean he shouldn't try.

Is this narration? If it is, it reads REALLY badly. It sounds like internal thoughts from Tonya Harding, but there's nothing to suggest that. This is… to put it bluntly: really horribly done. If you're going to have a moment of internal dialogue for a character, it's wise to have something that tells us who's saying it. If this is narration: it's laughable and reads like a children's book in a story that deals with the topic of divorce.

"Why didn't he just move her to Fillydelphia?"

Nobody wants to live near Ponyville. It's a magnet for awful things. Have you seen how often it gets ransacked?

"Because of you and the Crusaders," Holiday said with a light smile.

Keep her away from a father figure in exchange for friends. Not… really how I'd keep my priorities. At all. It'd be one thing if Halliday and Art3mis were here legal parents, but considering her dad's alive and well, it feels stupid to not allow him to have the joy of seeing her grow up. Maybe I'm old fashioned in my way of thinking though. That's just me.

"You're the best thing that ever happened to that filly, you give her hope that she'll have a better future than just being neglected. Rainbow, you may not have been born into this family but she considers you a big sister and that's good enough for me, you're part of our family to all of us."

This is wholesome.

Rainbow was stunned by that, she had never really thought about it like that before.

This would be more effective if we got to see more to Tonya Harding's reaction to the accusations of breaking a fellow skaters kneecaps—and being the big sis to a little Pegasus. As it stands, it's shallower than a puddle after light rainfall.

Sure she and Scootaloo had become close, but to actually be considered part of Scootaloo's family?

That meant she had to spend more money on Pony Christmas (I forget the name). She needed a way out—fast!

She actually smiled a little and brushed a tear from her eye at that.

Well, a bit of showing. That's good.

"Hey, she's a good kid, we consider her just as much part of our family too," Rainbow said with a smile. "I guess that makes you family too. Is there anything else I could do to help?"

“Dispose of the evidence,” Halliday deadpanned before leaving the room.

"Yeah, it does," Holiday said with a smile. "Just keep doing what you're doing and be the big sister she wants you to be, that's enough for us."

Sounds like a lot of work. I don't think Tonya Harding can do that.

"Well, I'll try my best," Rainbow said with a smile.

See? She said she'd try her best. You can't trust her. Abort, abort!

"Scootaloo is a good kid, I'm just glad she has family when she needs it. I mean, she told me about, you know..."

This small talk is going to drive me to unhealthy amounts of drinking.

"Yeah, its why we're here. Its not that her parents don't try, but its not the same as being here all the time."

Three incorrect uses of “its” in the same in one paragraph. I… I got nothing.

Rainbow nodded sadly, it struck her just how different her and Scootaloo's upbringings had been and now she understood why she had latched onto her and her family so much.

This should've been what Rainbow (I'm dropping the riff nickname from here on out) said above instead of the small talk about how she's glad she has family. She should've told Halliday about how diametrically opposed their upbringings were and how she now realizes why Scootaloo has latched onto her. Getting to see (keyword, children and FiMFic authors!) how Rainbow views this through dialogue is infinitely more powerful than the nameless faceless narrator telling us how she feels. Showing is more powerful than telling. If I show you the image of a puppy sleeping, you'll know it's cute. If I tell you a puppy is sleeping, you may find it cute, but you won't know what the puppy looks like. For all you know, the puppy's on fire and speaking in tongues.

At times: telling is better than showing. You need not have character's say everything. When two characters walk from one end of the mall to the other, you don't have to have them talk the entire way, or show us what the central character sees; stores, other characters, or whatever else. You can just tell us, “Boris and Lacy walked to the clothes shop on the other end of the mall”. But in a scene like the one above: telling us what Rainbow feels holds no weight whatsoever. It's a cheap, lazy way out of adding an incredible amount of emotional power to not only your story, but the character at the center of it all.

Rainbow had always kind of taken for granted that her parents tended to hover over her and make a big deal of every little thing while Scootaloo's parents were hardly even there.

Yet again: another potentially insightful, heartfelt scene squandered by telling the reader how the character feels. Moments like this single handedly destroy stories. It's doing it here too and it pains me so much to have to say that since the author is a friend of mine. I've never been good at being blunt with friends, but in this case, I'll say it: Ruin, you not showcasing any of this through dialogue from Rainbow has butchered my goodwill towards the story. God have mercy on me, this is going to get messy.

She didn't understand why parents, especially one with a filly like Scootaloo would just basically leave her to her own devices.

This could've been an interesting one on one conversation between Rainbow and Halliday; giving us insight into the mindset Scootaloo's parents had and maybe still have. We could've learned a lot from a conversation like this. Instead, it's told to us. It's like Almost Too Late all over again and oozes potential that's thrown into a trash bin in favor of advancing the story, glossing over interesting material, that the author dictates as not being needed for whatever reason. Some may argue that I’m a snob whose opinion is doesn't matter since I didn't practice an iota of what I preached. I'd say their right, but I still hope people would take my advice since I deliberately squandered everything I did in the name trying to play the easy game for cheap internet fame as opposed to being a real author.

At least something had changed though, and that was what mattered to her.

I never would've guessed had I not been told this. Nuance, analysis of a character's mindset and emotions, and effort need not apply when the power of telling readers how someone feels exists.

"Rainbow, Holiday, its dinner time," Lofty called up from downstairs.

The rationed food and water had finally arrived.

"Come on, lets get going," Holiday said and the two mares headed downstairs.

I'm so triggered by the lack of an apostrophe. AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!


"So, how did flying practice go today Scootaloo?" Holiday asked as she looked at the filly.

I…. actually am glad this is starting with small talk. I kinda wish this happened earlier though. Ugh, I feel like an ass for wanting to rework a friend's story.

"Okay I guess, I managed to stay in the air a little longer but I haven't really had much luck yet," Scootaloo said as she took a bite of her sandwich.

Don't worry Scootaloo. Last time I tried flying, I woke up.

"Hey, don't worry about it, some Pegasi are just late bloomers," Lofty said as she gave Scootaloo a smile.

This is actually something I always tell myself when it comes to my writing. So if nothing else, I'm strangely happy to read this in a story. Thanks, Ruin.

"Yeah, but usually we're flying by now," Scootaloo said with a sigh as her aunts exchanged a look. "I just wish I could fly already."

I've always wished they'd establish Scootaloo as someone who couldn't fly. Given how Friendship is Magic is a story where characters accept who they are, a character who's disabled and can't perform something defining about who they are would be empowering to children.

"Well, you never know," Rainbow said with a smile. "I'll be there to help you as much as I can, that's what sisters do for each other."

“So if another Pegasus ever gets on your nerves, just call me and I'll have Soarin’... handle them.”

"Yeah, I know," Scootaloo said with a nod as she finished her sandwich. "But on the bright side things are going great with the Crusaders. Our Day Camp was so successful we're thinking about making it a regular thing, it would be a good way to help ponies."

“We hunted a Timber Wolf and used it for firewood!”

Rainbow smiled, she liked that Scootaloo was willing to help ponies, it showed that she had a good heart and that would help her later on.

Decades later, Scootaloo became an assassin and helped in ways Rainbow could've never fathomed.

Rainbow saw a lot of herself in the filly, both good and bad, and that alone made her a good pony.

Huh. I must say: I'm glad to see an author who has an MLP character acknowledge that there's always a “balance” of good and bad I'm everyone. I see too many authors describe Equestria as a utopia. I'm guilty of it too, at least when I started.

She just hoped that would never change about her.

Everyone changes. Womp womp.

"So, what do you two do?" Rainbow asked the two older mares.

I'm gonna just ask my friend Tyler to leave a comment to do this riff. He’ll know why.

"Well, I'm an artist," Holiday said with a light smile. "So I pretty much work out of home which is nice, it made the move here easier."

“If you find the clues in these 80s style paintings…”

"I'm finishing up working in Cloudsdale's weather factory, I've been trying to get transferred over to the Weather Team for Ponyville but its been kind of slow lately."

Still more accurate than real weathermen!

"Well, I could put in a good word for you," Rainbow said. "If you think it would help I mean."

Nepotism? Nepotism.

Lofty smiled a bit at that and nodded. "Thank you Rainbow, that means a lot."

Then Rainbow promptly forgot and she never got a promotion.

"So, ummm... how long have you two been together?" Rainbow asked.

Since the 80s.

"Well, we've been married for about 8 years now but we were dating for about... what would you say dear, 3 years?" Holiday asked.

This makes me wonder how old they are. Going by the cover art, I'd guess they're about 35 or 40, but Scootaloo's parents weren't described much. They sounded older though. I'd blame this on telling over showing, but I'm so bad at describing characters that the hypocrisy would probably send shockwaves across the galaxy.

"Yeah, starting right after college," Lofty said with a smile.

So definitely the 80s.

"I still remember when you asked me out, you were so nervous you accidentally asked if I wanted to mate, right in front of my parents!"

Eh, I’ll admit, I chuckled at this. Good on you, Ruin.

"You'll never let me live that down will you?" Holiday asked with a laugh as she leaned over and gave Lofty a kiss.

Live audience “aww” sound effect goes here

"Still, you said yes once you realized what I meant."

Something something bow chicka wow wow.

"What can I say, I have a thing for cute Earth Pony mares," Lofty said with a smirk. "I think your brother was jealous though."

Aaaaand we’re back to small talk that provides nothing more than pointless dialogue between two characters. Admittedly, I’m guilty of moments like this, but man. It’s not until you see it done elsewhere that you realize just how useless these moments feel.

"Sure until he met your cute best friend," Holiday pointed out and the two mares just laughed.

Icky girl talk. Blech.

Rainbow looked over at Scootaloo and smiled a little when she saw the filly smiling.

My advice to aspiring authors: when possible, don’t use the same word twice in a single sentence. To use this sentence as an example, I would’ve done it as follows:

“Rainbow looked over at Scootaloo and smiled a little when she saw the filly grinning.”

Rainbow put her wing around her little sister and pulled her close.

Live audience clapping sound effect here.

"You don't think they're weird do you?" Scootaloo asked as she looked up at Rainbow.

I think the next sentence says it the best.

"Scoots, you're talking to a mare that hangs out with Pinkie Pie, these two don't even register on the weird meter," Rainbow said.

I know what Ruin was going for when it came to them being weird, though I can’t help but laugh at the idea that these two are any weirder than Ponk.

"Besides, I like them, and I'm just happy you have somepony to be there for you when I can't be."

Wholesomeness. It’s disgusting!

Scootaloo's smile brightened as she hugged Rainbow tightly. Rainbow just smiled and hugged her back.

More wholesomeness. It’s killing me!

They may not be related by blood, but they were all family because of this sweet little filly. And she wouldn't have it any other way.

Wholesomeness overload. I’m die.

Author's Note:
Well guys, you know by now that I'm a huge Scootaloo fan, and after the recent announcement I wanted to do something involving her aunts.

Better than them being mutants from the New Mexico desert, right?

Yeah, I know its not in the show yet, but its good enough for me right now.
What? You'll take what you can get? That's new. I'm used to folks being greedy. The internet's warped me so much.

I actually look forward to writing more about these two in the future.

Well, I'm happy for you!

I wanted to know who Scootaloo's family was and I got my wish in ways I never could have imagined, welcome to the family Holiday and Lofty.

They'll always be Halliday and Art3mis to me.

And before you comment on the lesbian thing, please remember that this is a fanfic.

I'll comment though! I don't think her guardians are lesbians: I'll forever believe they're a piece of plywood and Blu-ray disc of Cars 2.

And that's “Scootaloo's Family”. Now, allow me to clarify something. As stated at the start: I'm friends with the author. Like any friend I have, I wish nothing but the best for them and would never genuinely say anything I said here to them. This riff—as is the case with (most) of them—is deliberately amped up for the sake of humor. The previous two FiMFic riffs I meant everything I said as “Almost Too Late” and “Critical Analysis” were both atrocious works of literature and deserve nothing more than to be mocked. Here, however, my mocking of it is all in good fun.

That said: the criticism I gave it I do firmly believe. The grammar and sentence structure is ranges from questionable to poor, the small talk was excruciatingly boring, and the constant telling over showing got on my nerves. This story is, at its heart, Rainbow learning how much her friendship with Scootaloo means not only to Scoots herself, but her aunts. This could've been a great deconstruction of a character who sees crying as a sign of weakness; a look into seeing just how much Rainbow sees just how much her relationship with Scootaloo matters to her.

Instead, Ruin takes a fantastic concept with a great backdrop (Rainbow meeting Scootaloo's guardians and learning about her parents) and does nothing with it. It's a barebones tale without much weight to it; a story that shines with potential and plays it safe. I mean no disrespect to Ruin herself, I believe her to be a fine author who puts genuine effort into her work, but this is a story that needed a second, third, and fourth look. The roughness around the edges reminds me of a mountain range.

Now, with all of that said: I didn't hate it.

Compared to the past two FiMFic stories I've riffed and ripped apart, this story is a masterpiece. It's not insulting like Almost Too Late and it's not a holier-than-thou pile of garbage like Critical Analysis. As stated before: Ruin puts a lot more genuine effort into it than either of those two stories did and it's a lot more bearable than they were. So while I may not have liked this story, I didn't hate it. I'm more disappointed. I don't like having to tell friends I didn't like something they did. Alas, I don't want to lie to a friend. I'm sorry, Ruin.


  1. Tyler "Bio" RodriguezFebruary 3, 2019 at 6:09 PM

    Ah... Ready Player One... The New York Times best seller that quotes entire 80's movies at you while occassionally suggesting religion is awful and stalking is good. Buy now beat the rush!

  2. Sadly, I'm going to have to agree with Vert here, and I do apologize here Ruin. I love you like a sister and all, but this story is quite bare bones, and after looking at through Vertigo's eye a bit boring at times. I understand if you were going for cute, but as it is you basically just seemed to capitalize on the fact that Scootaloo had a newly revealed family at the time, possibly lesbians, and ran with it. It could have been a good deconstruction, yes, but you just went with cuteness instead of anything... well meaningful. Not to say that's a terrible thing, but the way you went about it was just... dull.