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Hi! Welcome to Vertigo's Fun House. Here, you'll find write-ups on unsolved mysteries, riffs of creepypastas/fanfiction, and more. Thanks for stopping by! It means a lot.

Wednesday, February 13, 2019

Riff-Review 14: Always There

Last time I featured LightningSword on this blog, I will on a massive tirade about how awful of a writer I see him as. Today, I dive  into another one of his stories because my friend, The Bricklayer, requested I do so. However, I want to try and be nicer and attack the author less. I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel I was a bit too harsh last time. So with that said: here's Always There.



Cover art to the story.


As per the norm with FiMFic stories, let’s look at the description.


(REWRITTEN)


I doubt the original version is available, but I’m curious how much changed. Judging by the discrepancy in the number of words (1,987 vs. 2,134), I’m going to guess that a fair bit was changed overall.

I've had probably the worst day ever.


Well, when you’re reading a story by good old LightningSword, I’d say that’s an understatement. Also, once again: that’s a joke. Learn to take one.


As if the hard days at school, crappy job and bad life weren't enough, now I have humiliation to deal with on top of that.


Well, school is school. I don’t know what your job is. And… humiliation? Well, that’s school for you. Mind filling me in a bit more?


First, my bullying older brothers. Then high school. Then my break-up. And now this. And it just follows me everywhere I go.


I feel like I’m being left in the dark big time with this story. This is the long description to this story, right? Like, when you look at the back of a book for a brief synopsis? This doesn’t feel like that.

But no matter what, no matter when, there's one thing in this world who is always there for me.


And what would that be? Cigarettes? Booze? Your pets?


It's been my only comfort for years, but even when I'm at my worst, she's always there for me.
Ah, gonna leave us in the dark. I can’t wait for the revelation.

Rated "Teen" for some cursing.


Well, at least this time: LightningSword rated it something appropriate. Good on you, man. Also, this story is classified as being “Sad”, “Slice of Life”, and “Tragedy”. So that means we’re in for some serious feels!


Growing up with a house full of brothers, and going to a school chock full of jocks, is sort of like being a scrawny guy in a room full of cannibals—the second you show signs of weakness, they’ll eat you alive.


Okay, being nice is going be a lot harder than I thought. While this sentence is, for the most part, fine, the metaphor is one of the stupidest things I've ever read. Wouldn't it make more sense if it was a fat guy and not a scrawny guy? Or at least someone whose descriptive isn't associated with Angelina Jolie? Even then, do we need to bring cannibalism into the mix one sentence into the story? Call me a wuss, but the word itself makes me squirm. Besides, if I wanted to read that word, I'd Google “Who was Jeffrey Dahmer?”

I trudged up the walkway to my front door on a late afternoon, sweaty, weak and exhausted.


Did Fluttershy run a marathon? What's caused her to feel this way?


I pulled out my keys and unlocked my door before lumbering through it, closing it behind me.


Oh, not gonna tell us? Well, good, because allow me to say that we're only three sentences in and I'm already bored outta my skull. Lightning, I get you like to be dramatic, but you can't pull it off. At all. This wording is tedious and without life. Like most of your stories. Bravo you hack.


The place was empty, and Dad was probably out drinking.




So Fluttershy has a dad named Dad? Lightning, is there any reason you decided to copy Butch Hartman here? Or are you just that creatively bankrupt?


Again.


Oh boy, I can't wait to see how LightningSword handles alcoholism! After seeing how he handles criticism, I'm sure it'll be fantabulous.


I stank and ached all over, so the obvious first choice was a shower.


No, the obvious first choice is so manual labor. Also, generally speaking: when one is sweaty and aches, they do stink. Not what I'd say is a necessary detail.


I put away my keys, wallet and pocket change, made my way to the bathroom, undressed, and climbed into the tub.


I'm shocked that LightningSword doesn't want to take 12 paragraphs to describe Fluttershy’s other actions, how the room smelled, and where the dust collected and didn't collect. Because drama and emotion and other things LightningSword can't write, but likes to think he can.


A quick turn of the knob, and steaming hot water pelted my weighty, sweaty body (I’m chubby, but not in an unhealthy way).


Because that's yet another necessary detail. Look, I don’t mind authors who are highly descriptive, I think it’s a fantastic way to immerse readers, but I generally think it used to establish things, like setting and how a character feels. In this case, telling us that the weight hit her “weighty, sweaty body” doesn’t strike me as something that’s necessary. Also, Lightning, you already said that she was sweaty once. I don’t need to know that again.


Also, if I may nitpick a bit: there's no canonically fat character in the MLP universe as far as I'm aware. I doubt any are chubby either. In fact, if Equestria Girls mirrors their body weight well enough, I'm sure they're all anorexic. One can argue it's fanfiction, but considering this is Fluttershy, I don't see her as “weighty”.


The heat of the water soothed my aching body, sending a wave of comfort through my skin and bones.


So, are you gonna tell us about why your day was so bad yet? Maybe give us insight into the trauma and issues you’ve been suffering? This would be a fantastic time to stop and just have some narration describe the day to us? No? Alright, find, be lazy Lightning. Don’t try to win some good will from me. Just keep on being a lazy hack like you always will be. Glad we worked that out.


It felt so relaxing, I almost collapsed from relief right there in the shower.

There are pleeeeenty of jokes that I could make here that I won’t because I want to pretend I have more class than that. Not enough class to attack an author I dislike, but enough I won’t stoop to a low like I could.

I wish it could do the same for an aching heart.


Oh Lord, the cheesiness of that line made me lactose intolerant. On the bright side: now I know it's a LightningSword story! He just loves to show how his talent begins and ends at the bottom of the barrel.

I spent ten minutes or so washing up, making sure I was completely clean of sweat and other unmentionable things that were a part of my grueling day at school.


Ah yes, other “unmentionable” things like… wait, what exactly was Fluttershy doing again? Lightning, I know you want to play the tension game with us for her ultimate breakdown since this is an MLP sob story and they do the exact same song and dance, but if you’re to be coy with us, it’s probably best that you at least try to clarify to us what these “unmentionables” are so it doesn’t sound really questionable.


After another five minutes of just standing there under the stream of heat and moisture, I decided not to let the warm water go to waste, and twisted the knob back, cutting off the stream.


Normally, I’d hate on a story for telling us stuff and not showing it, but to be 100% fair: this story benefits from it more than others that I’ve riffed. Since we aren’t dealing with the fallout of a garbage comic like we did in Almost Too Late, it’s a lot smoother here since it’s an original story. That said, good lord, these details aren’t necessary. Just get on with it. Unnecessary words are unnecessary. Just say that you turned off the shower.


I stepped out and began to dry myself, wrapped the towel around my waist, and shuffled to the laundry room.


Shuffling while walking sounds like a really useless talent. Should’ve picked the extra physical damage dealt one.


Laziness with laundry had its disadvantages, but it had its perks, as well—I could always count on my dryer for having some clothes ready for me, old and cold as they were.


Do your parents or brothers not do the laundry? Or are you really that much of their whipping boy?

I threw on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and made my way to my room, and I felt my heart swell a little bit.


Fluttershy was pronounced dead when EMTs arrived.


I opened the door, looked inside, and there she was, sitting loyally on the bed as she always had.




Her eyes wide, her smile brightening my mood, her very presence the only light in my life.


It was… a television.

Rollie! You’re home!


Hi, Rollie! Glad someone’s finally been named during this story. Geez.

I smiled as I walked up to her and sat beside her on the bed.
Wait, which one’s Rollie?


She’s the only thing on this planet that could get away with calling me “Rollie”, instead of my given name, Roland.




Wait, the main character isn’t Fluttershy!? Well, screw going back and editing everything, I guess I’ll just see if people have the same reaction as I did. I mean, I guess I should’ve figured that this wasn’t Fluttershy since the cover art was of her as a pony, but would it have killed you to just specify that the character we’ve been following wasn’t her? I dunno, maybe it’s just me. Tell me if you thought the same. Also, I don’t know if Roland is a stand in for LightningSword himself. I just wanna get that out there.

“Hi, Fluttershy. I missed you, today.”


That’s the most brony thing I’ve ever heard and it makes me regret eating chicken tenders as I write this.

I picked her up from the bed and held her tightly in my arms.


Then Roland heard a satisfying snap, at which point a wicked grin formed on his face.


She was always warm and fluffy, and hugging her always made me feel better.
So, our main character is human and Fluttershy is still a pony. While I spoiled the ending for myself already, I think this should be something of a give away as to what’s going to happen.

I missed you, too. Did you have a good day?


Since I didn’t want to spoil who the main character was before, both this sentence and, “Rollie! You’re home!” deliberately don’t have quotation marks to go with them. Instead, in the story, these sentences are all italicized. Why LightningSword decided to do that, I don’t know, but in the future, I may bold instances like this. For this instance however, I want to leave it as it is.

That’s when I set her carefully down.




I looked back into her luminous eyes and sweet grin, not wanting to tell the aching truth.


There was a star inside Fluttershy’s eyes that was going to go supernovae and kill us all!

“Not really, Fluttershy. In fact, this has been one of my worst days.”


You told us this, yet you never told us what made it one of your worst days beyond the most banal reasons—if that.

Oh, you poor thing! What happened? Did somepony hurt you?


Yeah, LightningSword definitely hurt my faith in the idea of written entertainment. I have a black after Critical Analysis and I’m pretty sure that Frank Castle would’ve done less harm to me after this story!

That was a surprisingly difficult question.


I want to say that I understand what LightningSword is going for here and that not everyone can tell someone else what’s wrong, but nothing that Roland has said up until now feels out of the ordinary, save for his dad apparently being an alcoholic. His brothers pick on him (normal considering that siblings, younger and older, can be real dicks) and he gets picked on in school (again, normal). This moment might have worked better if we’d been told or shown what was wrong. As it stands: this is yet another LightningSword pity party moment that drums up as much sympathy as I give whenever I see another blog from him about how everything is so awful and terrible and wah, wah, wah. Either grow up and treat subjects seriously by giving some context before the moment when the character opens up to someone they’re close to or don’t write the story at all you dimwit.


While I had no physical injuries (unless the usual aches that came from the job counted), I still felt pained.


Yeah, I’d say that the usual aches count since you could’ve strained a muscle if you did a lot of manual labor. Good thing we don’t know what your job is! Thanks, Lightning for sparing us the details of what could be an insight into why this person is so strung out.


Just like with my brothers, or at a job I hated, or with a girlfriend that expected more masculinity and received only disappointment.


This may be opening a can of worms considering it typically relates to politics, but I don’t blame your girlfriend for leaving you. You sound like a wimp who can’t be asked to get out of his pit of self wallowing. You’ve given us nothing that tells us that your home life is hell. Maybe if you’d taken the time to convey that information to us while you were showering—I would think differently. Instead, all I’ve gathered is your dad drinks. Presumably often. I don’t know, YOU DIDN’T FUCKING TELL US YOU MORON!


I’d gotten a brutal reminder of it today in school.


A brutal reminder of what? How you must have balls the size of atoms and as much of a dick as Caitlyn Jenner? Quite frankly, I think you need some of that stuff the media likes to call “Toxic Masculinity”. You keep whining about… nothing. I feel like when we get to whatever it is you’re whining about, I’m going to sympathize with the bullies!


All of it.


You got a brutal reminder in school… all of it? Like, throughout all of school or all of school gave you a brutal reminder? What a stupid way to word something in your stupid story you stupid ass.

But should I tell her that?


What the hell do you think!? She’s the only thing that you’ve established so far you can open up to. If you can’t trust Fluttershy, who you seem to be really close to, then you have deep seeded trust issues that require therapeutic help. Not pastel colored horses. Then again, this is LightningSword we’re talking about. It’s likely projection.

It’s okay, Rollie.


No it isn’t. If he whines anymore to you, he’s going to regress back into a fetus.


You can tell me.


Please don’t. Just tell him to fuck off and let me go back to playing Torchlight 2.


Let me help you.


You can’t help that which has no spine. He’s a lost cause. Just like Paul Ryan.


Pretty please?


NO.

I sighed, not wanting to disappoint her, even if it really didn’t matter in the end.






She deserved to know, and I had to tell someone.


Does your school not have a guidance counsellor? Or is a fucking talking pony the only sapient being you can trust?

“Well, it started out just another day at school, right?”


I’ll let the man Lightning just loves the most do the talking for me.


You didn't have another Gym class today, did you?


No, he was running from ICE.

I sighed miserably before answering.


In this post-Freudian age the institution of marriage, as a by-product of religiously-fuelled monogamy, has deteriorated to the point that amorphous sexual identity, as opposed to rigid religiosity, has become the primary self-defining feature of the individual.But has anything changed? Has the entrapment of woman via marriage which Blake called a "gilded cage" merely deteriorated to the "rusty prison" of the Bang Bus, representative of the anonymous male-centric sex and continued subjugation?”


"Yes. Today was basically no different than my day job."


Run, Forrest, run!

You know you deserve better than to work with those big, sweaty meanies down at the gym.


Holy shit, this is the most pathetic sentence I’ve ever read in my life. This is FiMFiction’s quality standards. This is LightningSword. This is what constitutes as quality on that site. This is what buries genuinely well written content. Please kill me.

“They’re no different than the ‘big, sweaty meanies’ I grew up with, remember?


I dunno, I think your brothers might’ve been trying to tell you something.


I’m used to it.


Evidently not if you still cry about it like you’re a newborn.


And the extra hours mean better pay, so I'll finally be able to afford a few more My Little Pony DVDs, posters . . . other plushies . . . t-shirts . . . it’s always been just frivolous before, and . . . well . . . ." I didn't have the heart to tell her that it was starting to feel like it didn't help anymore.


This is the most pathetic thing I’ve ever had read in any fanfic—let alone in any story—ever. Bar none. Deal with the laughing Trump’s, they’re there for Lightning.

So that’s why you’ve been working so hard lately.


I don’t know what’s harder to believe: that this guy works at a gym or that he’s capable of working hard at all when he’s not on Derpibooru.


Is that extra work why you always come home weak and tired?


I don’t think him coming home weak is a product of working, I think it’s just how he naturally is. The tired part is likely due to him crying.

“Yeah, that’s part of it.”


I need to know what the other part is then. Is it because you didn’t win the auction on that Lyra plushie?

I’m so sorry, Rollie.


This is so cringe worthy, I think my teeth are about to shatter like a brony’s heart will when the show ends.


Even so, I’m glad you prefer to come home for your showers instead of showering at the school locker rooms or that icky old gym.


“I just love planting the seeds of distrust in your head! That way, you'll be all mine.”


That way, I get to see you sooner.


Lightning, you just know how to make me want to rip my fingernails off.


Yaaaay!


Ugh… Fluttershy was cringe-worthy enough when handled by bad writers. She didn't need… this.

I knew she couldn’t help but mention, at least indirectly, my aversion to public showers—another quirk I picked up as a direct result of my torturous experiences in school.
Dude, I despise public restrooms. They're fucking filthy. I don't think that it's that rare of a quirk to want to shower at home. If anything, I find it weirder that you even wanted to shower there

“But that’s not even the worst part.”
Oh, are we finally going to get to the sad bit!? Or am I doomed to the same level of edge I hear in Papa Roach's Last Resort?

What happened, Rollie?


“There was no spoon.”

I sighed and continued,


“klaatu barada nikto”


“I . . . I’d gotten a message from my ex on my phone just as I was getting dressed after Gym, so I answered it in the middle of the locker room.


Because you couldn’t just wait until you were away from the people you hate to answer it?


Of course, that’s when someone decided to look over my shoulder and see my phone’s wallpaper . . . .”


Definitely wasn’t what any of them expected.

Oh, dear . . . .


Yeah, that’s what I say every time I see the name “LightningSword”, but you carry on with your non-reaction to your apparent best friend telling you about his terrible day.

It didn’t surprise me that she knew what my wallpaper was, or at least had an idea.


Wait, how’d you come to that conclusion? Her reaction seems more like a simple reply to let you know that she heard what you said. Don’t play the assumption game, Roland, it’s a dangerous one to play! Like the game of thrones.

“They saw it . . . the picture of you dancing with butterflies . . . they know I’m a Brony . . . .”


Now I want to see an animation of Fluttershy dancing with butterflies while Tiptoe Through the Tulips plays. Also: Roland should’ve known that someone would’ve one day seen the background and have made a comment. He’s a grown man and his phone background is a character from My Little Pony. What the hell do you THINK was going to happen?

Well, isn’t that a good thing?


Your initial reaction was, “Oh dear…” I think you know it isn't.


I mean, I never understood why you had to hide it from everypony.




Fluttershy… just… just do us all a favor. Shut up and never open your mouth again. You’re as ignorant as a 5 year old.


Now that they know, you can tell them about us, and about friendship, and love and tolerance—


No, scratch that. Don’t shut up. Clearly, you haven’t heard anything this guy has said for the past God knows how long. Clearly, you need to take a canister of antifreeze and chug it like you’re at a frat party.

“It doesn’t work that way here, Fluttershy. People aren’t as ‘loving and tolerant’ as ponies are. In fact . . . people can be real assholes . . . .”


Yeah, for example: this dumbass of an author used four periods for an ellipses because he's a brainlet.

Rollie! That’s such a naughty word!


Fuck off you sniveling little bitch.

“I’m sorry, but it’s true.


You too!


They were on my case about it all day.


Must’ve been undercover FBI agents.


It was just like growing up with my brothers all over again . . . .”


Because it wasn't already? You said you hate these people and the people at school. From the sound of it: nothing’s changed, just the names and faces.

I felt the tears begin to well up, but I stayed strong, for Fluttershy.


Yes, stay strong for a pony you’re aware is the element of kindness. I doubt she’s going to get angry if you cry.


She wouldn’t have cared how strong I looked, but I still held them back. For her.


So, you can stay strong for this fucking pony, but you couldn’t for your girlfriend? You’re a fucking beta.

What did they do to you?




I sighed again, not wanting to recount the whole ordeal after it was still so fresh in my head.


That… sounds like a contradiction. Why wouldn't you just recount it if it’s so clear in your head?

“I don’t want to sound like I’m whining.”


You already do you insufferable swine fucker.

Not entirely untrue: complaining about the bullies was just one more thing that would make the illusion of a ten-year time displacement more vivid.


What? What the fuck does that mean? A word of advice to Lightning: if you were trying to sound smart here, you sounded like a retard.

But, Rollie . . . I don’t want to see you sad . . . please talk to me . . . .


No, don’t. Make Fluttershy sad. That’ll make me happy.

Oh, great.


Nothing about this story warrants the use of the word “great”.


Now I’m about to make Fluttershy as sad as I am.


There’s no feasible way to make the character of Fluttershy any sadder than she already is in my eyes, so by all means: just shut up and let her be sad.

Just what I needed to compound my misery: guilt.


You’re guilty of a lot of things, Roland.

“You sure you want to sit here and listen to me piss and moan about my rotten day?”


Every bit of Roland’s dialogue can be changed to “WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!” and nothing would change.

That’s what I’m here for.


No, you’re here because you’re the only character an MLP fanfic author thinks can convey sympathy. I get it: element of kindness, but let’s face it, Fluttershy isn’t exactly the most fascinating character to be around. Her schtick is she’s shy and she’s nice. She isn’t exactly therapist material. Especially when for the longest time, she had the complexity of a plastic bottle.


You need somepony to talk to.


This riff has led me to listen to Linkin Park just so I could have the full experience and now I feel like I’m doing Linkin Park injustice by having done so. Fuck you, LightningSword for making me feel genuine pity towards Linkin fucking Park.


And I’m here for you, Rollie.


You’re a cartoon horse. You aren’t real. Oops. Spoilers.

I shrugged and finally gave in.


“I then jumped out a window and ran screaming towards the nearest Starbucks for my Soy latt√©.”


It’s pretty sad how I could never say no to her.


You can, you just have no spine. It’s like that movie: Yes Man.

“Well, the first guy who saw it screamed ‘FAG IN THE LOCKER ROOM! FAG IN THE LOCKER ROOM!’ and pointed at me. He said I was a Brony, and then all the other guys started laughing. I’m not even sure whether they were laughing at him or me.”



Oh fuck right off with this shit. Just fuck off to the Mariana Trench and stay down there. In order to believe this: we need to assume that absolutely nobody who works there is by no stretch of the imagination offended at the use of “fag” in a derogatory manner. I won’t claim to be a saint and I’ll fully admit that I’ve used it as an insult because I’m a monumental bastard who doesn’t really give two shits what he says in the confines of his own house, but the idea of using it in public and an unironic manner towards someone who likes a show is laughable. Did nobody in the locker room care someone was screaming “HAHA, LOOK AT THIS FAG, HE LIKES A SHOW!”? Was there nobody who screamed, “Shut up you douchebag!”? Am I expected to believe this dumbasses story? It make David Icke’s claims that Obama, the Royal Family, the Bush Family, the Clintons, George Soros, and every other major political figure on Earth are Reptilian shapeshifters.

That’s terrible!


And yet I couldn’t give any less of a fuck. Only LightningSword could accomplish such a feat.

“Yeah . . . and it kept happening over and over all day.


Which is laughable. Most people wouldn’t realize since they’d be too busy on shit like TikTok.


One guy yelled ‘Fag!’ every time he walked past me in the halls.


And nobody told him to shut up? Sure. Considering how many people get offended by every little thing, you can’t tell me that nobody wouldn’t have gone up that guy and broken his jaw. Not unless you live in the middle of nowhere where the population is maybe 150 people.


One girl saw me, looked like she was panicking, and ran off.


I’d say there’s more to this story than is being told, but that would require Lightning to have an ace up his sleeve and have it be revealed that this guy was into extreme foalcon and to make a statement against the topic of that. Too bad he has the same amount of talent as a used tissue.


Another guy said he was going to report me to the principal for being a deviant.”


Okay, look, the MLP community has a lot of problems. There are a plethora of pedophiles and degenerates who are a part of it, but the idea of reporting some random guy to the principal because he likes it is the biggest overreaction I’ve read in a story in a long, long time. Yet you expect me to take it seriously? Unless Ronald brought foalcon (lolicon to those unfamiliar with MLP terminology) to school, there’s no reason this should be a problem. If anything, it’s more laughable than it is sad. Yet, it’s written a way that expects us to be heartbroken by this. Fuck you, Lightning. You’re a hack and you should be ashamed of yourself for treating the topic of depression and alienation so callously. That’s rather ironic too considering every other day you’re depressed and cry to your hugbox begging for pity points.

All because you like ponies?


Yes, now point and laugh at the little bitch for crying!




I was starting to grow tired of explaining everything, but she asked, and I was in far too deep to stop now.


You’ve said barely anything and yet you’re already tired. Grow a pair and man up; people poked fun at you for liking a kids show. Cry me a fucking river you baby.

“Yes,” I continued. “And it just kept getting worse . . . .”


Great, even more to this sob story.

Oh, no! What happened, Rollie?


Lemme guess: they called him clopper?

“Well, I went to do my short shift at the gym today, and this girl that comes every Tuesday to work out was there today.


It was Ronda Rousey.


She’s really cute, and I’ve been trying the last couple of weeks to talk to her and get to know her.”
Hah. You? Having the balls to hit on someone? That’s almost as big of a lie as “If you like your doctor, you can keep your doctor”!

Awww, that’s sweet!


It’s as sweet as the romance between two Black Widow Spiders.

“Not really . . . the guys from the locker room showed up today, and they all started up all over again.


Oh piss off.


'FAG IN THE GYM! FAG IN THE GYM!'


This is becoming more grating than it is funny at this point. I get that teens and high schoolers are insufferable, but this is more cartoonish than it is anything else. Lightning, I’ve got news for you: you aren’t talented, you aren’t clever, and you aren’t tugging at my heart strings. If anything, you’re making me want to break my laptop from frustration. Grow up and learn how the real world works if you want to make anyone actually feel any sort of emotion. As it stands, this ranks below any of Michael Bay’s Transformers movies in the way of emotional weight. You fucking suck at writing you insufferable dumbass.


They said it all.


“They revealed how the CIA was behind the assassination of John F. Kennedy all along!”


About how I have a picture of you on my phone.


IT’S. A. FUCKING. PHONE. BACKGROUND. Holy shit, I don’t like anime and there are plenty of Studio Ghibli images I’d use as backgrounds!


About how I'm a Brony.


You could’ve as easily denied it and said that a family member changed it on you and you were too lazy to change it you dumb shit.


So now, everyone at work knows."


Boo fucking hoo you bitch.

But that's not as bad, is it, Rollie?


It isn’t, but he’s making a bigger deal out of it than needs to be made.

"Worse.


She was a serial killer who murdered Bronies and now he’s a ghost. WHAT A TWIST!


When I tried today to talk to her, she said, ‘You’re the guy they were talking about, aren’t you? The Brony?’

To which you replied, “No, I was just too lazy to change the background when my brother put it on there as a joke”, right?


I didn’t answer, but she saw the look on my face, so she didn’t really need to hear it.


You’re. An. Idiot.


She stood up, scoffed, called me a pervert, and walked out the door.”


What a fucking cunt.

No!


Yes! Maybe? No!

“Yes. It’s like . . . it’s like she rejected me for being unmanly. Inadequate.


You’re both of those things and then some, bud. You really need to grow a spine. Look, I’m not the manliest man on the planet: I’m very sensitive to some things, get emotionally distressed easily at certain things, but this is a caricature of someone who hasn’t grown up whatsoever. This guy needs serious help with who he is on the inside. His skin is just as thin as Lightning’s and it pisses me off just reading it because all I want to do is scream at him to get a grip.


Just like my . . . .” I didn’t want to admit it. It was too painful to admit.


“Just like my mommy.”


But I had to be strong.


>you
>strong

Pick one.


I couldn’t stop now.


I wish you’d stopped before this story began, but LightningSword doesn’t understand the concept of “foresight”.


I had to press on.


Please don’t.


She deserved strength,




and I was determined to show it, no matter what.
Just stop.

Oh, you poor baby!


That couldn’t have been intentional...


Rollie, I’m so sorry.


No you’re not.


You deserve so much better!


No he doesn’t.


You deserve better than those ugly bullies picking on you all the time.


He never will.


You deserve better than people judging you and making terrible assumptions about you.


He deserves to wake up and realize he’s a spineless buffoon who has the self awareness of Reddit users.


You deserve to be happy, Rollie!


He’ll only be happy when he finally puts on his big boy pants.

I sighed, feeling a pain clench over my heart.


Ah, I see: he’s about to have a heart attack. Natural selection still exists.


“No, I don’t.


At least you can acknowledge that.


People do this to me because I deserve it.


Good, you’re waking up.


I’ve taken it for too long to believe anything else.”


Stockholm Syndrome Is a bitch. Just like you!

But it’s just not true, Rollie!


This story’s going in fucking circles. Just end already so I can go do something else.


You’re a good pony, and you deserve kindness, and happiness and friendship.


Wait, Fluttershy’s known you all this time and yet she calls you a pony? What the fuck!?

I tilted my head down to stare at the floor.


“Oh, a quarter!”


Even after all that, I still felt weak and in agony.


You’re about to die from a heart attack. Embrace death; GET ON WITH IT!


“Do I, though?”


Dear God, STOP REPEATING YOURSELF AND GET ON WITH IT!

Of course you do.




You’re a good pony, Rollie.

YOU ALREADY SAID THAT


And you deserve a good life.


AND THAT


Besides, if they judge you that way because you’re a Brony, then don’t pay them any mind.


That’s probably the most sound advice I’ve heard in this entire story. The other advice I’d accept is, “Key their cars and beat the fucking shit out of them for being petulant assholes”, but that requires Roland to be capable of taking action and not being a little bitch.


They just don’t understand.


He watches My Little Pony. That on its own isn’t inherently bad. He’s talking to a cartoon horse. That is, but maybe he’s on acid. He’s in a LightningSword story. That’s irreedemable.


You know about Bronies better than they do.


Derpibooru is all I need to make a case against bronies.


And if they’re not willing to understand, then they don’t matter.


Neither does Roland.

I took a heavy breath and kept staring at the floor.


“Hey, a cockroach.”


Was that right?


No, it isn’t.


Was I a better person than I knew?


No.


I never was sure, even as a kid.


I wasn’t either. I’m still not. The difference is: I have the will to at least try and do something. Like write. Yet here I am, reading this shit.


And for a guy of seventeen, like me, it didn’t pay to take chances.


Yes it fucking does you dumb shit.


Especially considering my current company, and how much of my guts I’d already spilled.


Roland had unknowingly taken a steak knife and disemboweled himself. Press S to Spit.

“I’ll . . . I’ll have to look for another job.


Where, at a Starbucks? McDonalds?


If it keeps up, I won’t be able to take the harassment down there anymore.”


Just quit now, you clearly hate it.

Oh . . . w-well, if you think it would be best, then I hope it works out . . . .


I don’t.

“I’ll give my brother a call tomorrow. Maybe he can help.”


You hate your brothers, don’t you?

It’s always best to trust in family!


No it isn’t. Sometimes: family sucks. Ask the family of Jeffrey Dahmer, they were happy when he died!


I’m glad you two are talking again!


I’m not.

“Oh, right . . . no, we’re not.


Now I am glad!


We haven’t spoken much since he moved out . . . maybe my ex-girlfriend could help me out, instead.”


I’m shocked she still talks to you, especially after she messaged you. Why did she anyways? You never told us!

You mean you’re not mad at her anymore?


I don’t know, I’m barely paying attention any more.

“How can I be?


I dunno, maybe she did something irredeemable?


We broke up a year ago.


Cool story, bro.


I can’t stay angry forever, even . . . even if . . . i-if she did . . . ch-cheat on me . . . .”


Okay, that would definitely make me pissed a year later. I’d say that being a cheating whore is worse than you being a dickless bitch. One can be amended, the other shows that you don’t care for the other person’s emotions. If she hated that you were a beta, she should’ve just left you on the spot.


I sighed again.


At this point, I’m expecting this guy to just kill himself.


“I just really hope this works, Fluttershy . . . I don’t know what I’ll do if I can’t live this down . . . .”


For God’s sake, WHY WON’T THIS STORY END!?

But Rollie, you know you always have me.


Pffffft. Hahahaha. Then the show gets canceled and she disappears.

“I know, I know, but . . . .”


But… but… BUT… BUT!!! Just spit it out for fucks sake!

But, what?



“It’s just . . . it’s just that . . . it would be better if . . . .”


“If I was never born.”

What, Rollie? What would be better? Just say so, and I’ll make it all better, I promise!


“I want to eat equine.”

“If . . . if . . . if I could hear you.”


This twist makes this story so much fucking worse than it already was. I can’t even put it into words. It’s so fucking retarded.

. . . What?

“It would just be better if . . . if you talked to me . . . .”


“LightningSword can’t write.” That’s what Fluttershy would tell you. The end.

I don’t understand.


Evidently, Roland has schizophrenia.

“Please . . . just talk to me . . . .”


No, don’t. Fluttershy, go back to Equestria and just stay there.

What are you talking about, Rollie? I’m always talking to you.


Just end already.

“P- . . . p-please . . . .”


Just fucking end.

I always talk to you, Rollie. And I’m always there . . . .


JUST END FOR GOD’S SAKE!

I picked her up, held her close, and lay myself down on the bed, letting the tears overtake me. “Please . . .” I sobbed, squeezing Fluttershy close to me, too hard for any living thing, “. . . p-please . . . please talk to me . . . .”


Yup, it was a Fluttershy doll. Fucking kek.


That was Always There. It’s another masterpiece from LightningSword. Fucking kill me.

3 comments:

  1. Listened to cartoon splat noises for a while. Went to my Lesser Dad and asked him to read this.

    He yelled something like "I maketh the rules!" And then banned Lightning Sword from the Kingdom.

    Honestly? I have to agree, this world would be a better place without garbage fanfics.

    Ho Ho Ho

    ReplyDelete
  2. God, just god. You know what, there's a way to describe this story. it'd be like watching a really bad mime start coughing and fuck up his act, so you chuckle because he mucked up badly, and he just starts sobbing and breaking down, and its just pitiful. That's what this story is.

    And for the record Vert, I'm truly sorry for subjecting you to this... whatever it is.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Tyler "Bio" RodriguezFebruary 14, 2019 at 10:48 PM

    Try and be nice... oh no don't. This isn't worth being nice.

    ReplyDelete