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Hi! Welcome to Vertigo's Fun House. Here, you'll find write-ups on unsolved mysteries, riffs of creepypastas/fanfiction, and more. Thanks for stopping by! It means a lot.

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Riff-Review 10: Happy Appy (Part One)

Back in October of last year, I did a list of my top 20 least favorite creepypastas. At the top spot was Happy Appy. It’s a story that I admitted I never finished due to how abysmal it was. From its… well, everything. Everything about it is awful. Nothing works. That changes starting today however as I shall begin a multi-part riff of this story. I think it’ll be the first full riff, at least from what I can tell. I found a blog that had I think three parts done, but it wasn’t anywhere close to finishing the story. Oh well, I hope those looking for a riff of this story and stumble across this blog enjoy what they read.

Now then, before we dive into this 20,000+ word abomination, let me preface this by saying this is the “original version” of the creepypasta and not the “true vision”. The latter was “engineered” to be one of the worst creepypastas ever made. From what I can tell by skimming it though, it’s the exact same story, but with better grammar and descriptives. So I can only guess the selfmade claim it makes is just referring to it not fixing any of the plot issues. I think also bears mentioning that Happy Appy’s origins are not with this story, but with a Candle Cove ripoff. I may riff that down the line, but if you’re curious, here’s a hyperlink to a riff of that story by someone named “Dorkpool”. So with that said, let’s dive into this story.

February 23rd, 2011

This story’s told in blog format. As such: you’re reading a blog riff of a blog story. Call Christopher Nolan, we’ve got an idea for Inception 2.

Hello. I will be using you because I am discovering about a show called Happy Appy.

We’re one sentence into this story and already the English language has been desecrated. From what I can tell though, the author needs to use me as a vessel because Happy Appy must’ve destroyed his soul as he did mine.

Sometime during 1999, after Noggin was launched, Nickelodeon aired a new show on their program, called Happy Appy.

Oh boy, a double dose of stupid here. First of all: “Sometime in 1999”, pick a date, nobody’s going to shoot you for picking a date. Nobody will likely care since the way you present this show is so hard to prove fake, you’d be more likely to find the Ark of the Covenant at a garage sale. Second: this better not crossover with 1999. I don't need Booby and Appy playing with scissors together.

It sounds like some nursery rhyme that a babysitter would sing, but it wasn't.

It sounds nothing like a nursery rhyme a babysitter would sing. It sounds like a terrible show that even as a kid, I would’ve laughed at. At best, it’s a placeholder title someone would use for their children’s book.

It was a short show (10 minutes), and was normally played in duets, making each episode 20 minutes, minus commercials.

So, it was the normal length of a show on Noggin? Correct me if I’m wrong, but most shows on that channel are normally around 10 minutes in length and are played in duets.

A month after it premiered, it was pulled off the air, and was never aired again (even it's nicer episodes).

As we'll soon learn, "nicer episodes" doesn't account for much in the way of what would qualify as acceptable to broadcast on TV. Production value wise anyways.

However, some parents did record the show, but they were VHS copies.

As we all know: VHS tapes are incapable of ever surviving anything and cannot be salvaged in any way, shape, or form.

But of those VHS copies, only some VHS copies survived.

Because this part needed to be the start of a new paragraph and couldn’t be attached to the previous one in some capacity. Good job, author. You know how to structure stories Bethesda knows how to release bug-free games!

However, what was really rare was a intact DVD copy of any episode. I was one of the lucky ones that had a DVD copy.

Oh man, how lucky.

Yesterday, when I did some spring cleaning recently (okay, winter-spring cleaning, but who cares), I found some old DVDs, with sharpie on them.

The parenthetical part was so necessary, added so much to this story, and made me feel so much more connected to this nameless, faceless, featureless man who I have as much emotional investment in. Thank you, author, for bringing me this brilliant work of literary genius. Please, God in Heaven, shoot me, this story is drive me up a damn wall.

They read HA 1-10. I did some research by using Google, and on ROBLOX (Unfortunately), I found out that those were the initials for Happy Appy.

You went to Roblox to research!? How old are you!? I know some older people play the game and enjoy it—more power to them—but c'mon. Don't go there for research! Also, for all you know, those DVDs belong to your parents and the initials mean, “Happy Anniversary” and are questionable recordings of their first–tenth anniversaries.

In the replies, they said that there are no DVD copies around, which is false, because I have some copies.

They're not official DVDs released by Nickelodeon. So, no, there are no DVD copies around. Officially anyways.

So I decided to put them into the disk drive, praying for them to work.

Thankfully, the good Lord ignored the request for this stupid story to continue and they failed to be read, so we were all spared the misery of seeing where this drivel went.

Well, they did, and they instantly cut to the intro.

Crap. Well, fine: as opposed to what? Cutting to 30 minutes of advertisements? Presumably, you burned episodes onto the DVDs. Unless you're someone who likes lots of advertisements.

By the way, I really haven't described the show, haven't I?

This story reads like it's written by a 13 year old who doesn't quite grasp how “being casual” is when telling a story. Newsflash: this isn't how you do it. This comes across as amateurish and cringey, not casual!

There is this giant clay apple with hands and feet, being held up by a rusty bent stick.

This line bugged me so much as sticks can't rust. Then, a good friend of mine who edited fanfics I wrote informed me it could be an iron stick and while that's likely, I can't help but think it's either a mistranslation of “rod” or the author is genuinely that stupid and thinks sticks can rust. That and, well…

This is the most commonly associated artwork of Happy Appy that I see and it shows him what I believe is a popsicle stick holding him up. If that’s right, and this was made by the original author as cover art for their story, then there are no words that can be used to describe the sheer stupidity on display here.

He helped children when they got hurt.

Even by children's show standards, that's boring.

But as the show progressed, it just got creepier.

As a show does in a creepypasta. I'd be more scared if the show remain normal and the author got more demented and described the horrid things they did while the show was on. Like murdering people as they watched the show.

Like, death-stare-and-evil-smile creepier.

Y'know, last time I read this, the story was less… questionable in its descriptions. Either my memory is failing me or there's a third version out there I read. Or my memory repressed this story so much, I can't recall any of it.

However, they did change the stick to a non-rusted, but still bent stick.

Why keep it bent? That surely can't look good on television. Let alone make puppeting it easy.

By the 8th episode, he wasn't even a clay model.

He'd become a real boy like Pinocchio! Yay!

He looked like he was CG, but he wasn't.

What a fantastic description of how he looked! Such brilliance deserves a Pulitzer Prize! Good job, author.

Probably a very good animation?

I genuinely can't tell if this story is going for casual approach like “Anansi's Goatman” or not. If it is, it's not working because the author's asking too many questions shouldn't be asked. None of us will have an iota of a clue because none of us can come to a conclusion based solely on “he looked like he was CG, but he wasn't.” My point is: author, you suck at writing.

To describe more about the colors of Happy Appy, his eyes were dark blue, his mouth was dark green, and he had a leaf on his head.

To be somewhat positive: I'll give the story props for being brisk with describing the rest of Happy, and for not mentioning the smile. So, there's that.

His intro song had the same tune as Mary Had a Little Lamb. It went something like this:

“Just call me angel of the morning, angel!”

Happy Appy Appy App,  Happy App (said two times)  Happy Appy Appy App, he helps kids all day!

Such imaginative, memorable lyrics. Roy Orbison? Terrible. Freddie Mercury? Psh, no name loser. Buddy Holly? Third rate hack. Happy Appy? Legendary; the greatest of all time!

Repeated three times.

Because we needed to hear that three times before our time was wasted watching the show.

Anyway, enough with that.

I agree, let's do something else.

Let's describe the actual show episodes.

Oh no, I take it back! Let's just talk more about the theme song!

Episode 1 and 2 were called “Happy's Vacation” and “Hurt Happy”, respectively.

Pretty incredible that Happy Appy needed a vacation in the first episode. He's lazier than Peter Griffin.

Happy's Vacation was exactly what you thought; Happy going on vacation, and helping injured kids at the beach.

I'd say that a tsunami had just hit, but… well, you'll see.

Hurt Happy was Happy getting hurt, and the kids helping him, by giving him bandaids and fruit (Which is weird, because they give him a apple in one part).

Why is it weird? Because it's the fruit equivalent to cannibalism? Appy's sapient and should be capable of making decisions on whether or not he'd want to eat an apple—one that's presumably not sapient. Maybe I'm weird, but I find the idea if giving an apple Band-Aids to fix its non-descript boo-boos significantly stranger.

Nothing seemed out of place when I first saw it, but when I saw it a second time, it looked very odd.

Oh, so the walking, talking apple that helps kids when they're hurt didn't seem strange when you watched it at first? Even by the standards of 90s kids shows, that seems really damn strange. This is taking into account Courage the Cowardly Dog and SpongeBob SquarePants. The former needing no introduction (I hope) and the latter being inspired by nuclear radiation from weapons testing in Bikini Atoll that had effects on the local sea life.

While Happy was driving his van in Happy's Vacation, some frames were skipped. I ignored it, saying that it could be a scratched DVD.

I don't believe that's how scratched DVDs work. Generally, they'll stutter, not skip entire frames. That's on the editors side.

But when I checked it, it wasn't scratched.

In spite of being left somewhere out in the open (I assume, it wasn't fully specified) for some unknown period of time. This is why you should always specify where things are and make sure they don't create logic holes, kids! Because nitpicky bastards like me will ruin your day.

Also, I noticed some out of place objects in Hurt Happy.

“For starters, there was a sawed-off shotgun on the seat next to Happy.”

In Happy's Van, there was what looked like the border of the HOPE poster.

Okay, there are a few things I want to discuss here. For starters: yes, indeed, Happy Appy drives a “Van”, since it’s a proper name it seems. This begs the question as to how tall Happy is. I always imagined he was meant to be around 3 feet tall, but there doesn’t seem to be an official height given. At least, not from what I can tell. If I’m right in how I envision him, then I have to ask: how does he see out of the van? I know you can adjust vehicle seats, but is he using a booster seat? A custom made one? Or is Happy really 5’8 or something? If that’s the case, he just got a whole lot weirder.

The second thing involves the “Hope” poster. Although there’s something coming up later that'll give me the opportunity to rant about the concept presented here, I still want to make a brief comment on it. This one moment could work on its own. It refers to Barack Obama's “Hope” poster from the 2008 election and is simple enough that one can plausibly chalk it up Happy having a similar poster; one that perhaps implies he gives hope to kids who get hurt.

Also, the radio plays a country music-esque version of "Hot and Cold", which was made in 2008 and very out-of-place for a kid's show.

Then the story throws that plausibility out the window after setting it on fire. First of all: “the radio plays”? Nice tense swap. The first I've noticed anyways. Second: goodie, you have no self control over how to build up mystery and intrigue. Rather than doing it slowly and progressively over the course of the story's first act, piling them on us. Yes, it may only be two, but this one has so much less plausibility behind us. We go from a part of a decently iconic poster to a song. Escalation? Psh, what's that!?

I thought those were just coincidence.

A poster from 2007/2008 to a song released in 2008. Eight and nine years after this show first aired. Are you for real, author? Why not just say you figured this was a glitch?

Well, I was wrong.

What gave that away? Was it the song that was written, recorded, and released a year short of a decade AFTER THIS SHOW FIRST AIRED!?

Episode 3 and 4 were stranger.

What, are you going to show footage from Michael Bay's first Transformers movie and Guardians of the Galaxy?

One moment that could send chills down anyone's spine was the "Booboo scene" in Episode 4.

Wow, that's a ballsy statement. A note to anyone who wants to write a horror story: never make broad assumptions like this. It makes you look overly confident and arrogant in what you're about to say. With that said, author: I'm absolutely certain there are plenty of people who wouldn't have chills sent down their spine.

Happy aids a child that has a bruise on his knee.

Oh man, that's so spooky.

He looks to the camera, death stare on face, and says "What does Nate (I think that was his name. It wasn't Kevin) need for this booboo?".

Wait, who's Kevin? When was Kevin mentioned? Was he left home alone again next and decided to hang out with a sapient apple? Did I miss something!? Is this version of the story not complete? It's on the official Happy Appy Wiki! How in the world do you botch up something this badly? You don't go and randomly mention a character without ever formally introducing them to the reader in some capacity.

For 30 seconds, he stared at the camera, motionless.

Happy was narcoleptic.

His dark blue soulless eyes locking on with anyone watching.

Staring contest! (O_O)

Finally, he spoke;

"Ooo eee ooo ah ah ting tang walla walla bing bang."

"That's right! A bandaid!"

It’s a bruise, not a cut. I don’t think he needs a band-aid so much as he may need to sit down for a few moments and rest.

Why did he need that long to speak, I don't know.

I’ll tell you why: he was dumbfounded by how badly you screwed up that sentence and needed a bit to take it all in.

The intros were cut out, and the main episodes were missing a few scenes.

Suddenly: scene jump!

On Episode 3, 05:12 is when he does his first death stare/evil smile.

Thanks for the specifications. Too bad we have see this for ourselves. If you want to do something like this, it’d help if you took the BEN Drowned route and made your own footage to go along with the story.

For 30 seconds.

This was a necessary sentence that added SO MUCH to this God forsaken story.

It was somewhat eerie.

Why in the name of the good Lord above did this have to be its own sentence and not a part of another!? Was there any reason for this? This goes for the last sentence too!

Also, the OoP objects were getting more noticeable.

The OoP objects? What are those? I Googled this and all that came up was “Object-oriented programming”. The object-oriented programming objects? I’d love to know if that’s what they are.

There was a news broadcast about a tsunami that recently struck Japan.

This story sure knows how to break the ice! How in the hell do we go from “on no, Kevin Nate has a bruise!” to “a tsunami hit Japan and hundreds are dead and thousands are homeless!” And if you’re curious: yes, this is why I didn’t make the tsunami joke earlier. The story decided it could one-up me and have it be a moment in the story. Good job, author, you sure outwitted me.

Happy said "Oh no! If you want to help the Japanese, call this number!" and a 1-800 number was listed.

It was the hotline for M.O.N.A.R.C.H.

February 24th, 2011
I watched Episode 5.

Are… are we going to just ignore the fact the story casually mentioned that a tsunami hit Japan and God knows how many are dead? In a kids show at that? Nothing? Alright, fair enough, maybe it was just Godzilla.

First off, it had Happy on his new stick.

That’s nice. Was it still bent?

This episode was very violent.

That seems like something you’d want to mention first, let alone over Happy having a shiny new stick lodged up his metaphorical apple ass.

In the episode, Appy was doing his trademark death stare and smile for half the show.

He just got new contact lenses and was getting used to them you bully.

Afterwards, he helped 2 children, the first one he took out of sight behind a bush.

Blood is seen from the bush and screams are heard.

This story’s idea of “rising tension” is that we go from “cheap looking show on Noggin” to “a tsunami hit Japan and the apple is murdering children!” What in the frigging world is this writing?

The other kid waits for Appy, then he's seen emerging from the back of her then it skips frames, next thing I see is a blood trail leading to another bush and Appy doing that DAMN smile!

Oh no, that DAMN smile that he’s been described as seeming to perpetual have on his face! How will you ever cope with just getting over the fact that’s one of two facial expressions he has!? Also, another bush? Did the kids just wait around while he murdered them?

Episode 6 showed Appy doing a death stare but it was hardly viewable.

The DVD must’ve been scratched. Hurr de durr.

Then, it went static it for the rest of the show.

This is as close to the original Happy Appy as you’ll get since it was a Candle Cove ripoff.

I couldn't believe it.

I can. The author clearly doesn’t have an ounce of originality beyond “murderous apple”.

I moved on to Episode -8.

Episode negative 8? Oh great, there’s a negative series of this show. Lemme guess: episode negative 3 involves a japan hitting the country of Tsunami?

This time, the episodes were so violent, so badly made that they couldn't have been aired on Nick.

Oh joy, more senseless violence.

Episode 7 had Appy take a kid into his van.

“Free candy, kids!”

Flesh cutting could be heard, and so could blood splatters on the windows and screams, which turned into gurgles.

It’s at this point that Nickelodeon contacted the FBI because someone controlling an apple puppet was murdering children, right?

Then, he emerged, doing a death stare and smile from 09:21 to the end of the show, or 10:00.

So, he stared for 39 seconds and that’s it? How riveting.

Like I said, 8 had him be a CGish monster.

“He looked like Zilla from the 1998 Godzilla film. It was terrifying.”

But this episode was so coincidental, I couldn't believe Nick would even allow it.

Because Nickelodeon are capable of peering into the future and knowing what will and will not be in good taste years from when something airs.

It starts out with Appy going around the playground, telling kids about the cycle of life. By cycle of life, I meant frogs and plants. The kids then said "Thanks, Happy!" But then, smoke creeped behind Happy, so Happy and the kids turned around. Two towers (9/11 mentioned in 1999) were burning up, with people falling off.

This is the scene that I meant would give me a moment to discuss the concept presented with the Hope poster. I never got far enough to see if this story’s centered primarily on predictive programming (which is the idea that the shadowy elite put in clues for future big events, such as 9/11 and whatnot), but I have to say: it doesn’t do a great job at presenting it. It’s as subtle as a brick to the face and done as gracefully as a drunk sumo wrestler trying to be a ballerina.

There was a lot of screaming, fire, and a crashed airplane, the tail could be seen sticking out of one of the towers.

Fucking what!? The plane’s tail was sticking out? The two planes on 9/11 were obliterated when they struck the towers! There was no tail sticking out! How the hell was there anything left of any of them!? Author, are you writing this while pissass drunk?

I want to point out that this is an image on the Happy Appy Wiki that reads, “possible photo of the 9/11 scene.” How tasteful, using 9/11 as a plot point in your stupid story. Look, I won’t say that it’s something so taboo that you can’t use it in a story effectively, but use it tastefully. Use it as something that has your characters grow from it. Perhaps a character lost a friend or family member in the tragedy and they’ve used it as a means of growing as a human being. But in this case… really? We’re using this for what? Predictive programming? Of everything you can use, you use a tsunami hitting Japan and 9/11? And with an atrocious painting you probably made in 3 minutes on MS Paint? Great. Bravo. I don’t often get offended by shit, but this is truly reprehensible. Fuck you author. Fuck you and the apple you rolled in on.

I could hear a faint whining noise, and I think that it was the plane.

As opposed to a child crying because something’s on fire, people are screaming, and chaos is around them. You’re so smarticles.

Then, a piece broke off, hitting and possibly killing someone.

How in the fuck do you come to that conclusion? Why not just say that the scene cut to the towers and a piece fell off and crushed someone? You sure have no fear in exploiting the September 11th attacks!

When the kid asked "Appy, what are the towers doing?", it cut to a kid that was stuck under a huge metal piece, crying for help.

I’ve got no comment, this is just tasteless.

Some other kids tried to help him. He was screaming so loud, it was almost heartbreaking.

Almost heartbreaking, but not really heartbreaking. Glad we established that!

There was blood everywhere, and the fear on his face was so realistic, I cringed.

1. That’s called “acting”. You may know it if you watched movies and TV shows. Not saying that’s acceptable for a kids show, but seriously. Learn what acting is.

2. I’ve been cringing since I started reading this story. You’re not special.

Appy turned to the camera, and just like the photo in the top-right hand corner, said these 3 words: "That's natural, children."

I'll fully admit: this one little sentence is genuinely well done. There’s something unsettling about it all. Perhaps it’s because it’s crammed into a tasteless, vapid scene that exploits the horrors of 9/11, but I find it rather unnerving. It's a shame that it's in this story and is immediately ruined.

He then dragged them away, leaving the trapped kid screaming.

Why the hell did you not just end on the previous line? Why ruin it? It was so morbid and disturbing! For the love of everything good, author, you ruined your one good line! Also: did Appy teleport to the kids near the World Trade Center? Or were they close to it already? I’m so confused.

I jumped out of my seat.

Wow, you're a chicken. And this is coming from someone who gets scared pretty easily.

Was Appy a deathbringer of some sort?

Happy Appy is the Mothman confirmed.

Or was he a master predictor?

Happy Appy is also Nostradamus confirmed!

I had to continue.

No you don’t you rat bastard, just stop watching for the sake of everyone reading this abomination of a story.

Episodes 9-10 were up.

And here's the pitch! Oh, swing and a miss!

Oh, and you want to know what happened when I called the phone number? Tomorrow, I decided that I would call it.

I can’t wait. That’s sarcasm by the way, just in case someone can’t tell after all this time.

February 25th, 2011
Just a quick thing. I called the phone number mentioned on Episode 3. It was a recording, which I will translate for you.

Our protagonist is a weeaboo who can’t speak kawaii desu Japanese. Hooray.

"Hello! I'm Happy Appy, every kid's most helpful Apple! If you want to make a donation, press 1! If you want to know about the earthquake, press 2!"

It was an Earthquake. Tectonic plates shifted. Ground shook. Bad stuff. Tsunami: great amount of water was displaced and obliterated stuff because lots of water = lots of pressure and weight.

Pressing 2 gave me this:

"An earthquake and tsunami hit Japan, and we need your help!

No shit, Sherlock.

If you can make a donation of 1, 2, 5, 10, 20, 50, or 100 dollars, you'll be a big help! Anyone who donates gets a Happy Appy badge!"

Does that count towards me being able to challenge the Elite Four?

So, I decided to press 1 and donate a dollar to the donation. It then said this:

How kind of you.

"Thanks for helping with the aid for the Tsunami! Now in the mail, you'll get your Happy Appy badge in a week!"

Our author then found out he couldn’t challenge the Elite Four with the badge and subsequently went to Vermillion City to beat Giovanni.

February 27th, 2011
Episode 9 was corrupted, it started up but the whole thing had no audio, and the first part was so messed up that it was hardly viewable.

So you won’t describe it for us? Thanks for saving me the trouble of riffing it.

The next part was just plain static for the rest of the video.

Yay, even less work for me!

Great, 2 missing episodes, I thought.

This, but unironically in my case!

10 wasn't.

Damn it.

It started with some weird, off-beat carnival music.

Ah yes, two episodes after towers are struck by planes and thousands die, we get some good old carnival music!

It started with Happy Appy still looking like what he did in Ep. 8.

Great, so he still looks like shit.

But this time, as the episode went on, his CG-ish model looked worse and worse.

They used the budget on crack.

Like, injury-wise worse.

What, did he get into fights off screen?

He was in his van, driving against the road, that looped on and on.

Fast and Furious: Happy Appy Road.

Eventually, he reached the playground.

That’s when the level began and it turned out this was Twisted Metal.

Many children were at play.

It’s a playground. What do you expect? The cast of Shrek to be there?

Happy looked like he was ready to kill all of them.

Because the scenes prior where he murdered kids behind a bush don’t already indicate he’ll willingly murder kids? Or are we retconning stuff already?

Then, he said "Hey kids, who wants to see Happy do a magic trick?" The kids cheered, and ran into his van.

The real magic trick is how often this story can jump the shark and not get eaten by its own stupidity.

He then closed the door, and drove off.

Were there no adults watching the kids? Or were they okay with Happy taking them all away?

After that, he came back, smiling like he just killed them all.

I once again must ask, considering what we learn about this show later, did the FBI never bat an eye when it came to this story? Did the FCC not give a damn? I’m inclined to believe that the author thinks that they were all in on it, but I’m so baffled by everything presented here that it’s… making my brain hurt.

I couldn't take it anymore.

Neither can I, but I’m sure as hell soldiering through this. Man up you sissy.

For some reason, Happy was making me feel nauseous.

For some reason, this story’s making me feel nauseous.

But I continued.

As did I.

The remainder of the show (before the credits) was him reading the news, with future events that didn't happen for a long time.

Oh great, more predictive programming. Just what I wanted on my lazy Tuesday afternoon.

Examples were the Libyan riots, Chris Benoit's murders and suicide, and the SS Columbia disaster. Meanwhile, there were random breaks, which showed a "behind the scenes" look at him realistically murdering a child. At the credits, Happy was holding a knife, covered with blood. The camera shot down, where there was a table. A hand with cut marks was visible. Then, it cut to a blank screen, with white text.

HOW DID THE FBI NOT FUCKING QUESTION THE CREATORS ON WHAT THEY WERE DOING!? There has to come a point when your “kids” show would pique the interest of law enforcement with the content you're showing. You know, CORRUPTING A FUCKING MINOR!

"If you get these DVDs, I copied Happy over to them. I wanted to preserve this so that they weren't lost forever. Now you might wonder, how did Nick allow all 10 episodes (or 7)? I don't know. They just did, that's what. If you want to know more, see me.


This story keeps getting dumber. How is this feasible!? HOW!?

KC? Was that my friend, Kevin Costo?


Well, he did say that he worked with Nick until the end of the millennium, so he probably helped with Happy Appy.


I decided to visit his house.


When I entered, Kevin wasn't home.

What, did you break into his house!?

His wife was sitting, crying.

Likely because she was afraid that someone broke in to rob the house.

I asked her what happened to Kevin. She replied with something that shocked me.

“He left me for November Rain!”

"I don't know what happened, but something or someone kidnapped him last night. I don't know where, but he or she left this. Take it."

It was an autographed album of the Genesis album “Invisible Touch”.

I then got a folded up piece of paper.

It was vendor trash that sold for 35 gold.

I unfolded it, and it was a picture of Happy Appy during the 9/11 scene, with the exception that he looked badly scarred.

Oh great, this is going to turn into a full blown mystery story. I can’t wait to see how this author handles shocking revelations.

Before I left, I asked her how those horrifying episodes got on Nick.

“Nickelodeon is run by the Illuminati,” she said before the crack of a rifle filled the air, followed by glass shattering. Next thing I knew, she was dead at my feet. I left the house, lest the FBI arrest me, unlike the FRIGGING MAKERS OF THIS SHOW!

She replied with "He...drugged the producers! He was going to-"

Wait, WHAT!?

That was enough.

No, no, no! Go back, go back! I wanna hear this!

I couldn't bear to take it anymore. so I left the house, and drove off.

GO. BACK. That was interesting, unlike the rest of this wretched story!

When I got out, I decided to walk toward my house.

As opposed to what? The local police station?

Then, I heard a gunshot and screams from a woman, probably Kevin's wife.

Wait, how’d you hear that if you drove off? I know gunshots are loud, but how far did you make it? Or… wait, how far was Kevin’s house from yours? If it was down the street, why’d you drive? I’m so lost right now!

I then glimpsed at the picture again.

He left the photo inside the house and was instead looking at a business card for Discover Card.

This time, Appy wasn't in the photo.

Oh good God, it’s one of those stories.

I instantly ran to my house, because I know whoever killed Kevin was trying to kill me.

So rather than just come out of the picture when you were in the car, Happy decided to kill Kevin’s wife first with a gun?

Before I opened the door, I saw one last glimpse behind me.

Happy was there and shanked our hero. Happy ending? Happy ending!

It was Kevin's mutilated arm in a bush, and a unknown figure standing behind it.

It’s Happy. Just say it. Don’t beat around the bush.

March 3rd, 2011
Hey. I wanted to know if anyone has any Happy Appy videos.

That’s certainly a shift in story tone.

If you do, send me the link to one.

No, I’d rather nobody give him anything so I can end this riff series before I have to do any more. Please, nobody send him anything!

What happened to my discs, you ask?

You got blackout drunk and destroyed them with a sledgehammer.

Well, I found them in pieces, like a claw slashed them in thirds, along with a note saying "No more evidence now, huh?"

… wat.

March 4th, 2011

Hey, my birthday! I can’t wait to see how much garbage this author gets himself into on this oh-so special date of mine!

I finally got my Happy Appy badge today.

It’s already the worst birthday ever.

It came in a box that had a timestamp from 1999-2000.

I thought this show only aired in 1999?

When I opened it, I got a letter from Happy Appy and the badge.

The letter smelled of apples.

The badge was Happy Appy smiling, but not with the death stare.

Glad you specified that because I figured his death stare was his natural expression.

On the back said "Happy Appy Helper Badge!"

That’s the closest this entire show has gotten to sounding like a children’s show. Good job, author.

I decided to read the letter.

It read, “haha killed ur friend ur next.”

To my friend!  You have helped us help the Japanese!

Truman would be proud.

Of course, let me introduce myself!

I’m a man of wealth and taste.

Unarguably, you have heard of me on Nick Jr!

Nope, never heard of you. I hear you’re on Noggin though!

Can't understand?

I doubt the author does considering their grasp on the English language at times!

Well, I'll give you the answer!

Oh please don’t.

Happy Appy Appy Ap! Appy App, Appy App! Happy Appy Appy Ap, he helps kids all day!

Your lyrics are bad and you should feel bad.

Now, where do I start with my gifts?

Throwing them in the trash.

Today, I have given you a nice badge, right from the playground!

“It’s made from the skin of the kids who I—I mean it’s made with tender love and care!”

How did we get these, you ask?

Sweatshops in China.

Running across the playground, I tripped on a rock.

You cracked your head and died, the end. Even happier ending? Even happier ending.

I fell, but I noticed the ground was uneven!

That’s when a supervolcano erupted and burned you to a crisp. Even happiererer ending? Even happierer ending.

Undoubtely, something was there, so I dug the ground up and there were a crate of thousands of these badges!

I… I’m sorry, but what? I don’t… I don’t think there’s any real way to properly put into words the sheer stupidity of this part. Even by the standards of a letter to a child, this is monumentally retarded.

Now, it's time to be off! See me on my next adventure!  Love, Happy Appy
I hope you’re eaten by a flock of pigeons.

March 5th, 2011
Today, I got a email from a man who claims to be a user on Wikileaks.

Okay, I was confused by this sentence as I didn’t think Wikileaks had an account system. Turns out it does, but it’s there if you want to send them something and be credited it for it. They also encourage you to use your realm name, so our author here should be able to verify if he does or doesn’t have an account on there. But even then, anyone can make an account on there. You don’t need to submit any reports or leaks. So… does it matter? At all?

He heard about my conquest to find Happy Appy, so he tried to find any documents related to it.

Your conquest? Holy shit, you’re trying way too hard to sound like you’re on some sort of warpath with this damn show. Take it down a notch or sixty.

He did find one, which told employees to never air certain TV shows or movies.

Yet they aired Happy Appy? What weren’t they allowed to air? Fappy Appy?

After browsing through a big description of Cry Baby Lane and other shows, I found this text:

I had to do a Google search, but Cry Baby Lane was apparently a movie that was never aired. Here’s a link to the LostMediaWiki page on it. I guess there's also apparently a creepypasta related to it. Here's a link to the Dorkpool Riff of it. It's apparently really violent and gory though, so make of that what you will. If it isn't related to the movie, then... well, I apologize.

"One show, originally named 'Happy Appy' was cancelled, due to blood and gore.

Yeah, along with the laundry list of other reasons.

The original show depicted an apple named "Happy Appy" that taught kids how to handle certain injuries.

Then he killed them and taught their parents how to cope with loss of their children. Then he killed them! It’s like a perpetual cycle of loss.

On their final, and only 8th episode, it was only 2 hours when Noggin removed all traces of the show happening.

I’m shocked it took them two hours to do so. I would’ve started after I heard the pitch.

2001 reports say the episode seemed to depict happenings of 9/11, even though the episode was shown in 1999".

This might’ve been more shocking if we hadn’t been told about the episode before and had it done in a revolting manner.

I'm getting more suspicious.

Really? Because I’m flat out pissed that there’s still more of this story to go.

But, I shall conserve that anger as this seems like a good stopping point for now. I wanted this first part to ease you all into what to expect from Happy Appy. There’s a lot more to go though and if you think things are bad now, you haven’t seen anything yet. Next time, we’ll likely be passing the point that I left off at back in October. That means I’ll be entering new and uncharted territory. Please shoot me.


  1. All of your comments on the 9/11 predictions sum this... Well, I hesitate to even call it an abomination because of how hugely disrespectul this... thing is.

  2. Tyler "Bio" RodriguezFebruary 7, 2019 at 10:35 PM

    Okay there is so much wrong with this story that I'm not even gonna touch. I'll say this, you dont call the Space Shuttle Columbia SS. SS means steamship, the correct designation for Columbia was OV 102.