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Hi! Welcome to Vertigo's Fun House. Here, you'll find write-ups on unsolved mysteries, riffs of creepypastas/fanfiction, and more. Thanks for stopping by! It means a lot.

Saturday, February 9, 2019

Riff Review: Happy Appy (Part Two)



Hello, dear reader! I hope you're having a super spectacular day Welcome back to the riff of Happy Appy. I want to preface this entry by mentioning a few things that I learned about this story. The first is that even this version—the “original version”—was written by someone at the age of 13 or so. They did so with the intention of having it be as drawn out as possible and yes, to be as horrible as possible.


I'm skeptical of this.


This story, as you'll see, is so absurdly elaborate and ludicrous that I can't quite fathom a 13 year old being capable of weaving all of this together. Is it impossible? Absolutely not. But do I find it probable? No. Nonetheless, believe what you wish to believe. I have no reason to make you believe my point of view. The author may very well have been trying to make the most unreadable creepypasta ever, but it sure doesn't read like something that's meant to be bad. To me, it reads no less intentionally bad than the original Jeff the Killer.


The second is that the “true vision” expands upon a lot the “original vision” doesn't. This I expected, but I refuse to restart and wouldn't even if this story was short because it'd offer a lot less comedic potential. After all: the original is always better!


The third is the biggest though. I've learned there's an official sequel to this story entitled “Happy Appy 2: Dumb Angel”. It's almost 10k words longer than this story. I'll definitely be riffing that story, but not any time soon. Maybe around the summertime. For now, let's recap.


When we last left off: we saw that our nameless author was getting more suspicious of the kids show that had a scene depicting 9/11 in 1999. We also saw that his friend, Kevin, was likely killed by a sapient apple. Now then, let's dive back into Happy Appy!


June 6th, 2011
Ah, crap.


That’s what I said when I opened up this document.


I've been having nightmares of Happy since my last post 3 months ago.


He looks like a candy apple with eyes and lips made of frosting. Get over yourself.


The dreams range from Happy's smile to him brutally murdering a kid.


It’s good to see that in the three months you were absent, you learned nothing about how to properly escalate your story’s action or tension.


Also, about the mysterious figure, I've been seeing him more, whether he's sitting on a mountain, or standing in a forest.


Sitting on a mountain? What, is he a giant!? I assume the author meant he was sitting on the side of mountain, but wording is important!


The figure never seems to leave me.


Is it possessing you? Is this you were going yo use us to talk about Happy Appy?


Also, I've seen more of him to tell you more about his physical features.


“Google ‘Kronos’ and you’ll get a good idea.”

First off, he isn't shadow, because he has some sort of a face, with a mouth.


This luckily eliminates the possibility that Slender Man will make a cameo.


However, the mouth seems to be locked on one expression; Happy's death stare.


Because of course it is. Get over yourself! It's a puppet! Or CG creation. Or is he a demon because he left a picture like he's Bagul?


I wonder if he's Happy?


Does he look like an apple? If yes: it's Happy. If no: it's not Happy. Simple!


But more about his body; he's slightly taller than me (I'm 6'2) and seems to be about midweight for his height.


I want you to imagine this being Happy. If you need a refresher [copy and paste details here]


Now just take in the idea of a sapient apple that stands roughly 6’5 or so. This author's a complete dolt and should feel really bad.

I’ve boarded up my house because he obviously wants to kill me.


How'd you come to that conclusion!? Because it looks scary?

June 11th, 2011
I'm at the local elementary school,


A tense swap. Goodie. Just what we needed. I understand it's meant to be a blog entry, but considering this is still a story: it's inexcusable.


the only place nearest here where he won't find me, and also has a computer.


Why the hell would that 6’5 apple-human-thing not find you at an elementary school? Does it have a fear of gym class?


It's been five days since my last encounter with him, and my house is gone. Burnt to a crisp.


Wait, what!? Why is there no blog entry detailing that!? These are not details we should just be told out of the blue, show them so we don’t feel blindsided!


The strange thing is, no one seems to notice: it's like it never happened, or worse, like the house never existed.


Likely because you boarded the stupid thing up and hid inside because you were afraid of some spooky 6’5 apple-thing you saw. If it wasn’t for the fact I’ve read past this part, I’d assume you were delusional and suffering from psychosis.


But at least I'm safe here.


Here in my car.


Wait, I hear rustling.


Your jimmies are being rustled, author, you may wanna get that checked at the butthurt clinic.


That's not good.


Why!? It could just be a raccoon! Why do you immediately assume that it’s Mister 6’5 Apple Man Guy? Or whoever you think it is at this point, you sure do love to drop new event bombs on us.


Hey, I see Harold Kleiner, walking in the bushes.


Who!? I Googled this and all I got was an obituary from Los Angeles for a man who died in 2002. What is this story even doing at this point?!


Wait, why is there blood on his face?


How about you tell us who this man is maybe we can help you figure that out you blithering idiot!


It might be that figure again.


Is this “Harold Kleiner” 6’5 and look like a damn apple? Is so: maybe it is. If not, I’m going to have to assume that no, it isn’t.


I'm going to see.


You’re a complete moron.

June 28th, 2011
I bought a new house today.


I had to ask a friend if it was possible to purchase and move into a house in 17 days and apparently, it is. However, it requires cash out of pocket, which is extremely rare. Going off of that logic, that would mean the author is extremely rich or withdrew his life savings. If it’s the former, that would answer the question as to how he can decrypt things from the DVDs and could tell us how he’s not been targeted by the local police (assuming that they’re corrupt or whatever). At the same time however, this should have been established at the start. As it stands, the author looks and sounds like a Gary Stu.


It's two stories tall, and it's fireproof this time.


I’m sorry, but it’s fireproof!? Even if we accept that this house is 100% fully fireproof and cannot in any way, shape, or form be affected by any sort of fire—no matter how intense—how rich is this guy? He got to move into this house in 17 days and presumably moved everything that wasn’t burnt to a crisp into this totally fireproof house. And if he is this rich: how did nobody know his place was “burnt to a crisp”? This is some Mafia-level “turn a blind eye to this event” shadiness. Seriously, imagine if you went up to, say, Anderson Cooper and went, “Hey, did you hear that Tom Cruise’s mansion burned down?” and he replied with, “Who’s Tom Cruise?”


One of my friends, Jim Forester, actually remembered Happy Appy.


Why are you introducing new friends out of thin frigging air? And why are you jumping from buying your fireproof house to “oh yeah, my friend recalled this really sketchy and strangely accurate in predicting the future kids show!” Do you not understand the concept of “pacing”? Or are you going to keep bouncing around in what you think warrants being told until you hit an arbitrary word limit and move onto the next blog entry?


He said that there were more episodes I forgot.


Oh, great. Just great. More episodes of this dreadful thing. Just what we need. Tell me: is Happy going to evolve from a “CGish monster” to a hologram? Or is he going to turn into a Borg? I guess it’ll be the latter because I feel like resistance to not riffing this story is futile.


Turns out, the most violent episodes were actually at the end.


It’s almost like at one point in this story’s existence, there may have been a grasp on the idea of “escalation” before the author thought, “You know what would really work? 9/11’.


The entire series was supposed to have 25 episodes, plus a TV movie.


The first season to this show was meant to have 25 episodes? That’s quite a lot of faith in a show. Maybe things were different back in 1999 and I’ve forgotten (I was only 3 back then), but I don’t think TV stations—not even ones aimed at kids—would’ve ordered that many episodes. Let alone a TV movie!


No one mentioned it, because Jim had the only surviving tapes.


You just happened to know the only person who had the only remaining proof that there were fifteen missing episodes!? Either you’re the luckiest person on Earth or this author really doesn’t know how to right. I’ll let you all guess which I personally think is the correct answer though.


The series got more violent slowly.


Because this story’s near immediate descent into “an earthquake and tsunami have struck Japan!” and imagery akin (or just rather, just like) 9/11 both aren’t already extremely violent? Any more escalation and this story is going to become a parody of itself.


He sent me a disc with fragments of Happy Appy episodes


It bothers me that Nickelodeon didn’t know this man had any sort of evidence for this show’s existence, let alone the presumably unaired episodes, and didn’t demand he hand them over. Were they afraid he’d just leak them?


Here's what they are.


All of the episodes were just an assortment of trailers for future entries in the Marvel Cinematic Universe and we all clapped when Avengers 5 was confirmed. Hoo-freaking-ray.

The first starts out with a school bell ringing.


School’s out, everyone into Happy’s van!


Happy Appy is standing next to a kid.


Yet we still don’t know Happy’s exact height. At this point, I'm going to say he's as tall as Shaq.


The kid says that he can't understand math.


Neither can I, but you don’t see me complaining to the giant, sapient apple!


The teacher said "Class is dismissed".


It just occurred to me that if the author wanted, there would likely be an episode where Happy “predicts” Columbine since that occurred in 1999, but we don’t know when Happy Appy first aired. Just take that in for a second.


Then, Happy sings a math song.


A song number!? OH NO NO NO NO NO!


It is distorted, but I could make out these lyrics:


“Eat barbed wire, kids! I'm going to kill you all! Also: 2+2=4!”

2 minus 1, and then your homework is done!
It's one verse and yet it hurt so much.

After that, the kid says "Wow! Thanks, Happy Appy!'


“Just what I always wanted: an improper closing quotation mark for my bit of dialogue!”

The next fragment was one of the more violent episodes.


I echo what I said earlier that if you keep on escalating the violence, this story will become a self parody. Though the more I think about it, the more I think already is one.


They were mixed clips, but here's what happens in order;


They were incomplete, not unlike this story.

3 kids were crying so loud, it was almost painful to see.


Oh wow, I didn’t know we could see sound now! Wow, what a scientific breakthrough. Also, what’s with this “almost” thing again? Have you been desensitized to children crying? Are you an ex-federal agent who dealt with exploited children?

Happy Appy and 2 other kids were trying to help the kids.


Ah yes, because when having a mental breakdown, the biggest help would be 6’5 apple man who has a perpetual murder-death smile on his face. Great job.

The kids were crying because their families were gone (they died)


How the hell did you come to that conclusion? Was it said or are you just pulling answers out of thin air like you’re a magician?

The 2 kids comforted the 3 other kids, and the 3 kids left.


I had to read this sentence about five times just to understand that it was the three crying kids that left and not another three kids that were already there trying to help the ones crying. This sentence structure is catastrophically bad.


But, Happy had this weird, perverted, nearing the borders of greediness expression.


Happy Appy has become Mr. Krabs.


He said "Come with me."




The 3 kids followed Happy into a building.


They were all ghosts.


He then left it, with bags of money.


Happy later spent all of the money on a new Van™.


The 3 kids were screaming for help again.


So Happy is not only into murdering children, but he also sells them to human traffickers? And yet still, nobody reported this content to the FBI out of fear that the creators may have been involved in some seriously evil doings? Alright, whatever you say, story.

There were more to be seen.


That’s the only scary thing about this story; the fact we aren’t even a fifth of the way through this shitshow. Every sentence is worse than the last one. Ever paragraph is more grueling than the last one. Every fucking space between words makes me want to rip my veins out and use them as bendy straws. I hate everything about this stupid story and its inherent need to drag every single moment out like a roll of masking tape.


There was one fragment of a somewhat violent episode.


What is it with this author and his use of the word “somewhat”? It’s spineless and spoiler alert: this isn’t a “somewhat violent” episode. It’s easily the most violent of them all. So once again: bravo on handling escalation author.


Happy was putting a bandage on a kid's arm.


Happy somewhat has the bedside manner of Josef Mengele.


In the far corner of his pocket, a needle with green fluids was seen.


What the hell was it filled with? Liquefied Jell-O?


Happy then put the needle into the kid, knocking him out.


Because when it doubt, just have some unknown substance instantly knock someone out. As opposed to just, I dunno, knocking someone out with a swift punch.


He then drug him into his van,


He drug him into his van? What the hell kind of English is this and where can I petition to have it become a more dead language than Latin?


and a chainsaw was heard.


“A somewhat violent episode.”


The DVD just stopped.


I wish this story would just stop.

Oh, you want to know more about the figure?


No.


First, turns out he was here, so I got out of there.


Wait, he was where? I thought you bought a new house. Was he there!?


Besides, I gave him a nickname; "Forenzik", which is better than calling him "the figure".


While I’m glad that I don’t have to call him the “6’5 apple-man” anymore, the spelling of “Forenzik” is so cartoonishly 90s, even Rob Liefeld would shake his head and say it’s too much.


When I saw him 17 days ago, he seemed to have fingers with claws.


So he was a knock-off version of The Rake?


I don't mean like he had retractable claws in his fingers.


No shit? I don’t imagine this thing is a bipedal cat-person, I imagine it’s like the fucking Rake.


His fingers were very sharp.


Thanks, Captain Obvious. I never would’ve guessed such an indecipherable detail that would’ve confounded astrophysicists with its complex nature.

I also got a good look at how he ran.


He ran with the race of a seahorse and the agility of a water bottle.


He seems to be hunchbacked, which means he would be taller when he would be standing up straight.


You don’t say! Here I figured he would’ve been the size of a damn Smurf if he stood upright!

I say about 6'9, although you could speculate that, because I don't have a picture of him.


Well, with your wonderfully detail description of him, I’ll assume he’s the size of the Empire State Building! Also, I’m shocked that I was only four inches off with my joke about him being 6’5. And make your own joke about the number here, I’m not doing it.

July 14th, 2011
Jim Forester, a man who used to work on Happy Appy, just called me, telling me that Blair Meyes, the man who voiced Happy Appy, and a star on Fright House Screamers (Need to research that. Sounds interesting), had died in his town.


I don’t think you can use a period and start another sentence in parenthesis. I have so many questions, and while can be passed off as this being a blog-style story, I have to ask how this “Jim Forester” man knew that the author was researching Happy Appy. He’s not stated that the blog has gotten any sort of publicity and considering his house burnt down without anyone knowing, that seems to go against this blog being well known in any capacity.


The body had 3 claw marks on his chest, with one of them puncturing his heart.


Hm, now I wonder who THAT could’ve been. Such a mystery...


I would have guessed Forenzik would have clawed him.


Captain Obvious saves the day again! Wow, what a hero.


However, Blair said that they were made by a being that would have had extremely sharp claws, because it managed to put a nice scratch on one of his ribs.


Blair had his heart was punctured. Now even if he somehow survived that, you said he died! Now unless you decided to try and use a Ouija board to contact him, I don’t think he’s saying much of anything.

July 15th, 2011
Jim Forester just gave me a DVD with 3 new episodes, including what could be part 2 of the Happy Appy TV movie.


More episodes? For the love of everything decent, how many did Nickelodeon order!?


Unfortunately, they're corrupt as shit, because they need cleaning.
What an important contribution to this blog and story as a whole. I’m so glad we devoted time to reading this.

July 17th, 2011
I've got most of it working.


A tragedy worthy of William Shakespeare.


Here's what happens.


A giraffe and zebra exploded out of the disc and this turned into Jumanji. The world a significantly greater place because of that.

The first one was the episode I mentioned that had Happy and the needle.


Requiem for an Apple. The sequel nobody asked for, nobody wanted, and Darren Aronofsky didn’t deliver.


It started out with what I said,


This actually managed to confuse me because of how bizarrely worded this is. I figured that he meant something else, not the “needle” part. I admit that this is mostly on me, likely due to how annoyed I am at the story’s horrid writing, but I think this should’ve been better worded.


and after Happy Appy chainsawed the kid,


So the episode, I’m assuming, opens with him putting the bandage on the kids arm and immediately cuts to him putting the kid in his van and chainsawing him? I know I keep saying it and harping on it, but I really cannot get over how horrendous this escalation is. It makes no sense. It’s like splicing in footage of a documentary on Ted Bundy into an episode of Peppa Pig. Who thought that this well!?


he then drove off, and went to a crashed plane,




I… fine, sure, whatever.


where the second scene I mentioned happened (You know, the one that has the 3 kids).


Wait, the three kids survive a plane crash!? I know that it’s possible to survive plane crashes, but it’s not all that common as far as I’m aware. I also want to state that my mind immediately goes to something like a 747 crashing and, assuming that the pilots didn’t pull off something like the Miracle in the Hudson, I seriously doubt that 3 kids managed to survive such a crash. Not unless Happy can cross into the spirit realm and commune with the spirits of the dead like this is Insidious.


Also, where are the two kids that were with him last time you talked about this scene!? Or have they just not shown up yet?


After that, he was playing with some kids.


They were playing Russian Roulette. Fun for the whole family!


Then, his skin peeled off, like a orange peeler was being used on him, revealing a rotten apple core.


You know, this is a pretty interesting revelation and one that I quite like. A shame it’s wasted here, so early in the story, and with zero build up or explanation. Bravo, author. You once again fucked up a halfway decent moment. I hope you’re proud of yourself.


The skin then lands on a kid like a blanket.


How tall is Happy!? Or was the sitting? Are you incapable of giving description to anything!?


The show then ended.


Wait, the whole show? Hoora—hey, wait, weren’t the three kids sold inside some random building? And why did the two other kids not show up? What happened to those parts? And why did you leave out that Happy had no damn skin and was just a rotten apple core? Author: did you forget your own continuity!?

The next one was the full Classroom episode.


This story feels like it never ends; it just loops.


What I said happened, but with better video.


What, we don’t get more great lyrics about how homework gets done? What a pity.


After that, Happy goes into a science class, where a kid is playing with a bunsen burner, but accidentally gets burned.


Is it just accepted in this school that a sapient apple goes around helping people? Does it strike nobody as weird?


Happy then puts an ice pack on the kid's burn, and the kid thanks him.


What, not going to pour acid on him?


Then, Happy notices some kid getting bullied on by a older kid.


Oh, that must be why. You’re going to pour acid on those two.


Happy then told him to not give up.


It blows my mind that Happy didn’t murder this kid.


The kid then runs into a classroom, probably to tell a teacher what happened.


“Teacher, teacher! This apple just helped me out!”

“That’s it, I’m calling your parents.”


It then ended.


And there was much rejoicing (yay).

Finally, I saw part 2 of the Happy movie.


Great, so everything’s going to be out of context and confusing. I’m so thankful that you decided to tell this backwards like you’re some arthouse filmmaker.


It started out with Happy Appy driving his van on a road.


He’s on the highway to hell.


Then, a kid throws a rock onto the road.


Wow. What a rebel. Throwing a rock onto the road. Truly this kid is going to be the next horrible historical figure.


Not a small pebble, no, I'm talking about a big rock.


There’s a word for that. It’s called a boulder.


Then, Happy's van rolls over the rock, and the van crashes, And when I mean crash, I mean 'actual footage of a car crash' crash.


You mean like how SpongeBob did the exact same thing in a few of its episodes? I'm so scared.


After that, some kids run over to the burning wreckage of Happy's Van, where Happy Appy is shouting "GET ME OUT!".


Brilliant tense swap, author. Though Happy has the right idea. I wanna get out too.


When this happens, the happy-go-lucky music that plays normally is replaced by parts of Revolution 9, reversed.


I'm sorry, but what do The Beatles have to do with ANYTHING!?


One of the kids says "There, his hat! His hat!", and it cuts to Happy's bloody stem.


So Happy can bleed? Would you kindly explain why when his skin peeled off, you didn't tell tell us why there was no blood? Also: where did the kids come from? Can they teleport now? Oh right, this is part two and the author felt the need to confuse us more than they already have by explaining precisely jack shit.


It then screamed, which was loud enough to make someone's ear bleed.


What, his steam screamed? Or his hat? Or do you mean me, because I sure know I want to scream!


The mouth had some bloodied teeth on it.


Yeah, but mind specifying whose mouth? I know the owner of “the mouth” is Happy, but simply saying “the mouth” looks and reads like shit. Then again, the rest of the story does to.


Another kid then says "His body, his body!"


His body, his body was ready.


Happy's body was badly cut up, with big enough cuts to make blood pour out of it.


I've gotten some pretty nasty paper cuts. Maybe put more effort into describing how badly injured this apple is. Not that I care: I have no sympathy for him.


His eyeball was dangling out of the socket, while his teeth was shattered.


How severe was this crash? Oh wait, that would've required effort and you clearly didn't want to put an ounce of it into a potentially intense and brutal scene where this demented fruit gets hurt.


His left arm was cut off, bone visible, with blood squirting out of the stump, while both his legs were broken.


Oh wow, you actually described some injuries! Though I still have no sympathy for this stupid apple. He's a murderer. Why should I care?

He tried to crawl out with his only non-broken/decapitated arm.


Decapitation is when the head is removed from the body. Dismemberment is when a limb is removed from the body. Author: can you even words?


Finally, Happy died,


Good.


while screaming to weird sci-fi noises.


… whatever.


After that scene, it just showed the road, with the mashed up van next to his body.


It was a mashed potato van.


After that, it cut to a funeral, where kids were actually crying over Happy's dead body.


What, they weren't “somewhat” crying? They were actually for realzies crying? I'm shocked.


One kid said "Why, Happy, why?".


Because sometimes, those who deserve death actually die.


The final shot before the credits was the dead Happy, with blood on his broken teeth.


They didn't have the decency to clean the corpse; they just threw him into a coffin and said, “fuck it!” Much respect, kids.


Instead of the theme song playing, a dark carnivally music played, with pieces of the reversed Revolution 9 and Napoleon XIV's "They're Coming to Take Me Away, Ha-Haaa!".


1. Reversed music isn't scary. If you ever wanna write a creepypasta, refrain from that cliche. Please.


2. Now Napoleon's music? What's next: Knocking on Heaven's Door?


A narrator said "His stomach was in two that day", "There were two, there is none now", "He's there, he's getting next to his sister with all he knows", and finally "He ceased to work in the underworld"


This is almost as pretentious as a Terrence Malick film.


Guess what the narrator was talking over?


Edgar Allen Poe's portrait.


Happy Appy, with a bloodied scalpel in one hand, a bloodied X-Acto in his other hand.


Darn. So close.


It slowly paned to the skin of the disguise Happy was under, like the magic trick episode, but it just stopped.


The disguise!? What disguise!? Did they bury him with an opera mask over his stupid face?

July 24th, 2011
It's been 7 days since I watched part 2 of the TV Movie.


A shame Sadako won't save us all from your stupid ass.


I still can't get the photorealistic body of Happy Appy out of my head.


I'll begrudgingly give credit where credit is due: at least the author didn't say “hyper realistic”. Good on you, author. You're still talentless.


Well, guess what?


You're going to stop writing this abomination!?


Someone claimed to have the first part, so I asked him to mail it to me.


When the mail arrived that day, the mailman decided to deliver it personally. He had the strangest name of “F.B. Eye”.


Turns out he was right.


Because nobody in this story never lacks anything necessary to advance this dreadful work of AIDS forward.


Here is what happened:


Rian Johnson's name appeared and suddenly: it ALL made sense.

It starts with the same carnival theme, with distorted voices.


They were just speaking Russian.


The intro was spotted with giant flashes.


Ah! Paparazzi!


After when the original intro would play, it went straight to Happy dying from a unknown disease.


The disease known as karma.


When he talked, his lips perfectly synched with "THEY'RE GOING TO TAKE ME AWAY!"


The author was finally being dragged away to the looney bin.


It then shot to one of the 5-year-olds.


Calls Chris Hansen Yeah… yeah, we got 'em.


He was trying to cry because Happy was dying, but he didn't cry tears.


He cried irl life tears.


He cried blood. No joking.


Ah, I see, He had Ebola.

It then played a sad piano after another kid with a high-pitched voice said "They're coming to take me away!"


It's spreading! Now we all have the Ebola!


It then showed Happy coughing up blood.


What would apple blood be? Apple seeds?


Then, he went into a surgery room.


Then Godzilla attacked. Because shut up.


What followed was a hour of stop-motion surgery.


That sounds like something Laika would make of they did R-rated films. Sounds kinda neat.


It was so horrifying, but yet so compelling.


Because stop motion is an underrated style of animation. That's why.


How did they make a good surgery scene with puppets?


Talent…? Author: are you a shut-in?


After that, Happy was seen on a wheelchair, and the children said "Are you better?"


Happy went to respond, but Saint Elmo's Fire was burning inside him. Thus, he turned into a baked apple.


Happy said "Yes, my nice friends!" and gave them a big hug.


Ah yes, I too like having nice friends. They're so much better than mean friends. Too bad i have more experience with the latter than the former!


After that, it faded to a title that said "3 months later" and started to fade in on the second part of the TV movie, but it was cut.


That's the whole TV movie? Sounds like a half-baked adaptation of Operation.

July 26th, 2011
Today, I went to a yard sale, and I saw a VHS called HA Bonus Features.


Where are you finding this shit!? Didn't you say that they erased this show's existence two hours after the last episode aired? Noggin has more leaks than the Trump administration does.


I bought it for the cheap price of 50 cents.


After this, the author was shot multiple times. Miraculously, he survived. Unfortunately, the story did too.


After that, I decided to play it.


It was on par with Superman 64. Since this author's standards are trash, he gave a 4 out of 5.


Unfortunately, it was screwed up, because it made some wierd alien-y noise.


What a fucking description. Truly brilliant. Oh, man, that radiance is just unrivaled in the literary world. Please lobotomize me.


It made 5 wooshes and a weird noise.


You just said it made some “wierd alien-y noise” you rat bastard brainlet. No need to repeat yourself.


I decided to decode it, and after 2 hours of decoding, I heard


“HEARTS ON FIIIIIRE!”

Don't trust Happy Appy. He will murder you, he's a killer. Never trust him.


I never would've fucking guessed.

Could that have been a kid trying to warn us about Happy Appy?


No, it was Bill Clinton.

July 28th, 2011
I just heard about the fire that ravaged through the studio that made Happy Appy.


What a coincidence. I wonder who caused it. Probably a dolphin.


After taking a plane ride that took 10 hours, I decided to go in there, in case I find anything that could help me investigate the mystery of Happy Appy.


Wait, when did this fire happen!? I was under the impression it was recent. Was there no security? Are you not concerned about potential hazards? Oh wait, this is the author of Happy Appy. Carry on, go get hurt, maybe this riff will end early.


It was completely abandoned; no one was trying to demolish it or anything.


Which is monu-fucking-mentally retarded. It burned down. Either repair it or get rid of it and turn it into a Walmart.


So I snuck in, because I thought that could help my search for Happy Appy.
If it'll do any good, it'll hasten your demise and I can read something that isn’t complete rubbish.

When I went inside, I saw two rooms that weren't burned to death or crushed by debris: a soundset and a storage room.


So was this an electrical fire or arson? Those are two rooms that should've been prime for being engulfed in fire. After all: THEY'RE RIPE WITH ELECTRICAL EQUIPMENT!


The storage room had a rusty lock on it, but I ignored it for the soundset.


You're exploring the place that made the show you're investigating and you brought nothing to bypass locks? You're the biggest retard I've ever had the misfortune of following as a central character in a story and you should be thrown into a pit of lava.


It was massive, about 100 feet long at least.




There were some ruins of a blue screen stage, but what was really scary was that some of the cloth had blood stains on it.


CALL THE FUCKING FEDS ALREADY YOU INSUFFERABLE TWAT!


Most of the lights were on, which was strange, considering that the thing got damaged by a fire, except for the back.


I'm sorry, but how bad was this fire? The electrical bill presumably hasn't been paid and even if it hasn't, the electrical system was more than likely incinerated because of the DAMN FIRE!


I wondered what was back there.


Take a wild guess: it's the only other character in this story who would be out and about in a place like this.

Then, I heard movement, and saw Forenzik again, with red eyes.


Oh boy, we finally get to see Forenzik! I can't wait to see what he'll do!


I got the hell out of there and locked the doors.


What a fucking letdown.


After that, I decided to go and look at the storage room.


Because the creature who can make scratch marks on bone can't break through an old steel door. Sure, okay, whatever.


The lock, although made of steel, was rusted (like I said) and was brittle, so I broke it off using a hammer I found in a desk.


Why didn't you do this to begin with? Oh right, because you wouldn't be able to arbitrarily lock out the only menacing presence in this entire story; one that's only menacing because the bar is set so low, the author's credit score would be scarier than the fucking apple.


After opening it, I noticed it was some sort of vault; it had some tape sets that had labels on them, so I took them.


All the while, Forenzik… I guess was doing nothing? Are you actually going to just drop the fact there's a damn monster a door or two away?


However, most of the stuff just burned, except for a safe.


You don't say, author. It's not like a fire ravaged the damn building!


I decided to take the safe.


The entire safe? Alright, sure, that won't at all attract Forenzik's attention!


Unfortunately, it made the building unstable,


WAS THE BUILDING MADE OUT OF STYROFOAM!? Or was it a fucking Jenga building?


so I ran out in time, just before the entire thing collapsed, killing whatever moved back there.


Considering it didn't come after your dumbass, I'm going to assume it broke a hole in the wall and went to Wendy's.


I hope that it was Forenzik.


I hope it wasn't. He's the only remotely interesting character in this God forsaken story.

August 1st, 2011
Today, I broke the lock of the safe.


It was a bigger disappointment than when Al Capone's vault was opened.


I just forgot about it, even though it was in my room.


You brought the safe back June 28th. It took you until the first of fucking August to open it. It was in your room this entire time. How did you forget about it!? Or did you step foot into your room throughout July?


After opening the safe, I noticed what was in there instantly.


Baby Forenzik. Raise your very own enigmatic Rake knockoff!


Happy's puppet in the death smile mode.


Oh, so he isn't a “CGish monster”? Or was this a new puppet that wasn't falling apart? Or… I give up.


I got creeped out, but kept him anyway.


If this puppet doesn't do something by the end of the story, I'm going to be more pissed than I already am.


I then looked at the tapes, but they were Happy Appy in a higher quality.


What, don't want to share what you could see in them? Like Happy lynching kids because you love to alter the fucking events of episodes as you so wish?

August 4th, 2011
Today, I saw Forenzik, so I finally took a picture.




Indeed we finally get to see what Forenzik looks like. Here he is, folks! He looks like one of the aliens from the movie “Signs”. How anticlimactic.


He seemed to be more agitated, because his normal smile was a frown.


Judging by the photo, Forenzik doesn't even have a mouth.


I wondered why, until I smashed and burned the Happy puppet and the tapes, because I think they're powering Forenzik.


Wow, the Happy puppet was already used. I'm pleasantly surprised. Though did you stop wondering after you smashed them or am I missing something? Because if Forenzik is powered by Happy, that's kind of interesting.


I could be wrong, though, which is probably true.


Awkward wording is awkward.

August 15th, 2011
Sorry that I haven't been updating this blog lately.


No, please, keep going. I’d rather you never update again. All the more time I have to do things that are beneficial to me as opposed to sitting at my laptop, eating a sandwich, reading your degradative story.


I really haven't had much to say recently.


A shame that didn’t keep up.


But now I am getting very scared.


Because you weren’t already very scared by the 6’9+ tall alien-monster-thing that was stalking you? Glad that you’re a stoic individual who ain’t scared of nuthin’.


I thought I destroyed the tapes and the puppet a while ago.


I don’t think “two weeks ago” constitutes as “a while ago”. But I won’t judge.


But when I went into the kitchen in my house, I saw them laying on a counter, in what looks like mint condition.


How long ago? Just today? A week ago? When you got home after destroying them!?

Recently, I have been having tons of nightmares about Happy or Forenzik.


One is an apple. The other looks like an alien. Only one of those I’d consider even remotely scary, while the other is an apple.


I don't know why, but it seems like he is the only thing which I can really think about anymore.


Likely because you’re being stalked by him and as a result, you’re paranoid. Or is that too logical for your room temperature IQ ass?


It's like he's taking over my mind and rewiring my brain.


Funny, my brain as of late has been in the process of rewiring as I kicked a decade-long addiction. I doubt that what you’re feeling is that. If you were, you sure as shit wouldn’t be capable of doing much other than wanting to scream from mental anguish or resisting the urge to go back to what it is you were addicted to. Now go jump into a vat of acid and die.


Also, I found a message in the letter: "YOU CANT RUN".


You can’t spell.

Oh, and I've learned more about Fright House Screamers, but it's not related to Happy, so...
This was necessary. This was important. This was better than the entirety of the damn story.

August 16th, 2011
I decided to look for Happy Appy...on the TV.


They stopped airing it after the final episode was broadcast. Why would they start airing it now? And before anyone asks: the “it’s deliberately meant to be the worst creepypasta ever!” doesn’t fucking count. You can be the worst thing ever and still have a story that doesn’t defy its own established logic like this. That’s going against the basic building blocks of storytelling; even Uwe Boll’s garbage ass films followed it.


I decided to wake up when Nick Jr. started, and watch the shows.


You must’ve felt like a real idiot doing so.


It all went well, playing Dora the Explorer, and Yo Gabba Gabba, when a bumper aired.


It said “Coming Up: SpongeBob SquarePants!”


It said "And now, we have a special episode to show you, back from 1999! Please welcome Happy Appy!"




FUCK.




YOU.




STORY.


I was excited. I would most likely see a new episode.


Who’s still making them!? WHERE ARE THE FEDS!?


And I did, but this was one of the early ones.


And nobody cared.

The theme song played, and then it started with Appy in his van driving around, and he sees this kid, sitting and crying at a playground.


Okay....

He then drives and parks his van there.

Okay... again....

When he gets there, the kid had fallen off some monkey bars and his pinky finger was broken.

Uh-huh....

Happy Appy then said "What does Jake need to

A copy of Grand Theft Auto V.

Then, he stared creepily for longer than normal on most shows and then said "That's right!"

Wow, I could be a doctor.

and then the kid hugged Happy Appy. Then, Appy drove away in his van, and after the credits ended, that was the end of the episode.

What a riveting episode.


So, after that, I wondered "There must be another episode. That was just one!" I was right. A new episode aired.




In the episode, a kid was running with a knife facing up, which was fake, and made of rubber, and he got 'cut'.


Thanks for clarifying it was “fake” and “made of rubber”. An extra special thanks for telling us that that he got “‘cut’”. You are a “great storyteller” you rat fucker.


He held his wound, crying.


As yes, as opposed to wherever he the injury was. As we all know, it doesn’t hurt when you touch where you got hurt.


Then, Happy parked his van, and said "Hey kids, this kid should have not carried the knife facing up while running!"


Thanks, Apple Obvious.


However, he did heal him by putting a bandaid over the wound.


Because this kid surely would’ve not needed stitches! As we all know: knife wounds are no deeper than papercuts, especially when you run with one aimed towards you!


The kid hugged Happy, and he said "Remember, never run with knifes facing up, or scissors for that matter. Always walk with knives and scissors facing down!"


No, don’t offset natural selection like that! Especially in creepypastas!


Then, Happy took the kid to his van, and the end played.


Not gonna tell us how Happy gutted him like a pig and burned the corpse?

Second Post
I have two things to tell you. First, I will make at least 1 post every day, all the way until when I quit the Happy Appy discovery.


This doesn’t happen, he skips several days.


Second, I'm keeping track of the episodes.


You weren’t doing that already?


Here are my guesses (Note: Anything with parantheses describe the episode better):


Can someone translate this to English so I can understand it better?

Happy's Vacation
Hurt Happy
The Monkey Bar Injury
Happy Goes to School (The one with the math song)


I never would’ve guessed that.

???, title missing
Nate Needs Help! (The Boo-boo episode)
Never Run with Knives


I thought this was the new one? Why is this one not at the end?

Happy Fixes Kids
??? (Happy Fixes Kids, Part 2?)
Happy Fixes Kids, Part 3
The Two Towers


Tolkien is rolling over in his grave.

Happy the Doctor (The one with the green fluid needle, the crashed plane, and Happy's skin peeling off)


But the kids weren’t sold: got it. Glad we were able to clear that up you inconsistent swine.

???
Happy's Trick
The Happy Appy Movie, Parts 1 and 2
I know there's 15 episodes mentioned there, but I haven't discovered the other 9 yet when I posted this.


So you wrote this blog ahead of when you discovered the other episodes and you didn’t bother to update it after you discovered them? What a big brained genius you are.


Thus ends part two. I’m aware that I said I’d get into parts I’ve never been, but I figured it’d be more fun if that started off part three. So until next time: I hope you enjoyed this. Stay safe and don’t trust any sapient apples or frowning 6’9 alien-monster things.

2 comments:

  1. Tyler "Bio," RodriguezFebruary 9, 2019 at 3:46 PM

    This story was written sarcastically to be the worst creepypasta. Yeah and OJ didnt do it.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Have they ever thought to just do the *most evil method ever*!?
    Get a bucket full of blood. It's like, super evil!
    Hohoho

    ReplyDelete