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Hi! Welcome to Vertigo's Fun House. Here, you'll find write-ups on unsolved mysteries, riffs of creepypastas/fanfiction, and more. Thanks for stopping by! It means a lot.

Wednesday, February 6, 2019

Riff-Review 11: Knock-Out's Annoyance, Blueblood's Bad Day

I’m going to preface this by saying that I know next to nothing about the Transformers series. All of my knowledge comes from the Michael Bay films and according to friends of mine that are fans of the series, along with a snippets of reviews I’ve seen from fans on sites like YouTube, those films disgrace the name. In spite of that however, I still think the series is quite cool. Giant, talking alien robots that can transform into cars, jets, tanks, and guns (among other things)? That’s wicked! A shame I’m terrible at watching television.


Now pair that up with a series like My Little Pony and… well, let’s just dive into my good friend The Bricklayer’s story: Knock-Out’s Annoyance, Blueblood’s Bad Day and see what ensues.



First, our description!

Today was just going to be one of those days for Shining Armor, he should have just known it.

That’s me nearly everyday for for the past three weeks. Don’t feel too bad.

Shining. Firstly, he had to babysit Blueblood on one of his date's upon Celestia's orders

Oh goodie, Prince Blueblood is in this story. I can already feel the unlikability radiating from the story. I get that Blueblood wasn't portrayed in the most flattering of lights, but it seems fanfiction authors have a one-track mind for how he acts.

As a result: he's set to permanent jerk mode and left on autopilot. and then the Prince had to go and get himself kidnapped by some strange and rather vain robot with a purple face symbol of all things.

It was Robo-Rarity.

Yep, definitely one of those days.

I get this is a comedy and as a result, the description doesn't have to be as serious with its wording, but I still find this part wonky. It comes too soon after the last use of “it was going to be one of those days” and falls flat on its face.

Shining should have just stayed in bed.

I like this line, but I feel it would've worked better as what the description started off with. Remove the first “one of those days” line and put and this in its place.

A Transformers crossover, if that wasn't obvious.

What!? Transformers? And here I thought I was in for a Great Gatsby/MLP crossover!

Blueblood/Cloudchaser pairing

Oh no. Shipping. The bane of my existence. Batten down the hatches. This is gonna get messy.

Transformers is property of Hasbro and I make no money off of it.

This is something I’ve never quite gotten with fanfiction authors. Exactly why do they feel the need to state the owner of whatever it is they’re doing fanfiction of? I guess for some, it may just be habitual, but I doubt in this case: Hasbro’s lawyers are going to knock on your door and ignore the hundreds—or thousands—of other fanfiction authors.

Anyways: story time. Let's see how this story begins.


"Hey, let me go you brute!"


Yup, it starts just as I should've expected when I saw Blueblood's name mentioned.


One Prince Blueblood of the Royal Family shouted at his captor from the seat he was currently restrained to with a seat belt.


Fifty Fast and Furious Shades of Blueblood.


"Do you know who you've got here?


I Don’t Care Anymore, get out of my way, let me by!"


I swear to Celestia, when my Auntie hears about this you will feel her-"


Feel her what? Tax returns?


Blueblood's angry shouting, and justifiably angry shouting at that,


Thanks for telling us that, Brick. Was very needed.


was interrupted by his captor who if he could at the time would roll his eyes.


I think this was meant to be funny, but it falls flat like Blueblood’s attempts at flirting.


"No, I don't care really.


The only acceptable response when it comes to any fanfiction authors attempt at writing Prince Blueblood.


Besides, she's just a horse.


This was be significantly funnier if it wasn’t for how often I see this line in stories on FiMFiction.


What could she possibly do to someone as grand and generally quite good looking as myself?" A sarcastic voice taunted him back.


If it’s sarcastic in tone, does that mean it’s being sarcastic about what it said about itself?


"Y'know, if I wasn't strapped in like I was this might actually be fun!" Blueblood's companion Cloudchaser laughed


Wait, being kidnapped by a giant transforming robot would be fun? I’m not familiar with Cloudchaser’s character (my memory of the show is utter trash), but what sort of lunatic would find being kidnapping fun?


while Blueblood gaped at her in shock, surely she had to be joking right?


I’ve been holding back for a bit, but if I’m to be quite honest: the attempts at what I think are meant to be comedy via narration are so stilted and bland, it’d be funnier if there were no words at all. My biggest grievance, simply based on the little i’ve read, is that there’s no… descriptive fun. There’s no facial expressions, no genuine reactions, nothing.


This was in no way fun at all for the Prince, as he kept making quite clear.


This sentence was unnecessary and adds less than nothing to the story; it just takes away from it like Butch Cassidy.


"But, like I said. Strapped in. Yeah, not fun at all." Cloudchaser added.


You told us that, Cloudchaser, stop repeating yourself like you’re a broken record!


"Trust me lady, it'll be even less fun for the two of you by the time we're through."


Y’know, I like this “Knock-Out” character. Can he talk a bit more?


The same voice taunted and like before it came from nowhere, and at the same time it came from all around them.


It was a ghoOooooooOOOooOooOoOOOOst!


There was a reason for this, as you'll soon see.


Okay, I’ll admit: I’ve pulled this kind of narration in stories that I’ve written, and I think it can work. Here, however, I don’t think it does. In my eyes: narration like this has to be established right off the bat since it’s quasi-fourth wall breaking. Now unless you’re the kind of MLP fanfic author who loves to abuse the “Pinkie Pie breaks the fourth wall every chance she gets” trope, using this once the reader’s been eased into the world you’re setting up can come across as jarring. Granted, that’s just me. I don’t inherently hate this line since it’s a kind of comedy that I enjoy (though I will admit that this line isn’t the best example of that), but it’s weird to see it thrown in once we’ve set the groundwork for the story.


Suddenly the vehicle both Blueblood and Cloudchaser were in shook as it was hit from the side by a blast of magic.


When it comes to MLP fanfiction, the variance in how powerful magic is has always hurt my brain.


Outside, Shining Armor of the Royal Guard ran alongside with a determined look on his face.


Either Knock-Out is moving really slow ponies run ridiculously fast in Equestria.


"Stop, in the name of the Canterlot Royal Guard, and release the Prince!"


Yeah, I don’t think the big ass robot is going to listen to the little horsie. Sorry, Shining.


Shining shouted, and there was soon a annoyed look from Cloudchaser.


Oy, Shining, you should pull over the author: they’re murdering the English language!


"What am I, chopped liver here? Man... This sucks."


Since I've never heard of you: yeah. Actually, no, you're less than chopped liver. You're roadkill.


She muttered and Shining looked embarrassed and quickly corrected himself.


Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies.


"Okay, let me rephrase that. Release the Prince and his date."


“Release the roadkill first, the local scavengers are hungry like the wolf!”


Shining said while Cloudchase huffed "Thank you."


New speaker, new line, Brick. Yes, this was one paragraph before I broke it up like two highschool sweethearts. Or Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. Also: who the hell is “Cloudchase”? When did they get here?


Now, you may be wondering what the heck's going on here and why is Shining Armor chasing a talking vehicle through the streets of Canterlot, and said talking vehicle has Cloudchaser and Prince Blueblood in it.


Awkward narration, awkwarder transition, and awkwardest of all: the narrative transition. I genuinely dislike when stories do this, “now you may be wonder…” thing. It can work on TV, but in a story: it's worse than I am at interacting with other people in the real world. Don't use it. Please.


Well, so you'll be able to understand this well enough we'll have to flash back to about a half hour before…


I was in the kitchen typing this riff. Don't out me back there, the couch is comfy!


30 Moments before, at a café in Canterlot…


“Starbucks WiFi sucks!”


Shining Armor was definitely not a happy stallion.


He had a migraine and his stomach hurt.


Not one bit, you understand.


I got it the first time. Also: joke fell flat like a cardboard standee during an earthquake. Or stampede on Black Friday. Or an earthquake caused by a stampede on Black Friday. Yeah, it fell flat like my jokes.


Firstly, he'd planned to take his own girlfriend out on a date and hopefully pop the question to her.


He was ready to ask if he'd edit his fanfiction where he married Luna.


Sadly, life or should that be Celestia had other plans for him.


Celestia wanted him to learn what a comma is.


You see, her nephew Prince Blueblood had a date of his own with his latest choice of companion, so to speak the Pegasus known as Cloudchaser.


Beep beep “I'll take ‘Punctuation’ for 800, Alex.”


About the only thing giving Shining happiness right now was that Blueblood himself was nervous.


He was actually nervous about whether or not he left his Xbox One X box on his Xbox One X.


Shining suspected this was possibly due to the rumor he heard about Flitter threatning to chop off Blueblood's... Well, let's just say it was something unpleasant if he hurt her sister in any way.


What did Flitter threaten to chop off? His left hind hoof? Or were the “threatning” comments made because Blueblood had made threatening comments to force editors upon fanfics involving him?


Shining also suspected pain was in Blueblood's future.


The pain will be CRAWWWWLING IN HIS SKIIIIIN!


"Y'know, I have to say this isn't as painful as I thought it would be."


“Having your skin surgically removed feels just like when your on a rollercoaster!”


Cloudchaser commented as she ate her dinner with Blueblood sitting across from her generally looking confused.


Why “generally”? What, was there a part of Blueblood that looked generally content?


"W-what do you mean?" He asked, and Cloudchaser chuckled, the candlelight illuminating her face.


That's when her mane caught on fire and she died of third degree burns. Blueblood was later found missing 46% of his everything. Generally.


Now Blueblood would never say this aloud, but in the light it gave her a certain type of beauty.


The type of beauty that made him feel like a beast.


A small town, wild kind of beauty.


“She looks just like Caril Ann Fugate…”


"Well, I have heard the rumors. You know, the ones about you being a shameless flirt with the mares. THOSE rumors." Cloudchaser smirked.


As opposed to those OTHER rumors where he was Jack the Ripper.


"Oh... OH! Those ones. Complete and utter exagerations. I don't know where they got started."


Uh, yes, officer, this one. This one right here. This is the sentence that assaulted my sentence of grammar and stole its wallet.


Blueblood laughed nervously as he tugged at his bowtie.


There’s something really demeaning about him having a bowtie and not a normal tie. But hey, maybe I’m just a tie guy.


In his spot hiding in a potted fern Shining rolled his eyes and muttered "Oh, give me a break." in disgust.


Shut up, Shining, you’re the most unmanly stallion this side of Equestria. If you can’t tell: I don’t like Shining Armor. Fight me.


"Is it hot in here or is it just me?" Blueblood added, with more nervousness.


Then Blueblood collapsed and Canterlot was quarantined for a Smallpox outbreak. Whoopsy daisy.


Cloudchaser couldn't resist a chance to tease her date and put on a flirty and somewhat arrogant look.


Romance stories aren’t my thing, but this story’s cutesy nature is beginning to make me physically squirm. It’s so schmaltzy and awkward to be around. Maybe it’s because I myself am not a “date” kind of guy, but damn. It’s uncomfortable to read.

Blueblood's nervousness only increased while Shining had to cover his laughter.


Oh, get a grip, Blueblood and kiss her! That’ll make everything better.


"You know, I think it's got to be me." Cloudchaser said seductively.




Blueblood spit out his soup with it flying past Cloudchaser's head and landing squarely on Fancy Pant's monocle as he ate at the table behind Cloudchaser and Blueblood's.


Take that, high class rich snobs!


Fancy let out a offended "Oh, I say! Say it, don't spray it!" before his monocle was cleaned off by his date, AKA Rarity Belle who tossed Blueblood a angry look making him whimper while Cloudchaser laughed her head off before recomposing herself and saying "Oh yes, that's going to affect your standing among the nobles."


I didn’t like Cloudchaser to begin with and I still don’t like her. Is it too late to send her to be in 120 Days of Blueblood?


Blueblood groaned and hit his head on the table after pushing his soup bowl aside.


At least he had the decency to not ruin his fine outfit of a bow tie and… his fur?


It wasn't until the date was over that Blueblood's (And to a lesser extent Shining's) trouble really began.


Aliens invaded and killed EVERYONE!


As they walked out of the café, right in front of them was a dark red sports car, with yellow rims.


Yellow rims? Lame. Should be black or white rims.


It was of Trottingham make, judging by the sheer classiness of the interior. The Aston Manetin badge helped too.


This is the real reason that the next James Bond film was delayed to next year. The Aston mysteriously vanished.
"Uh, did you rent a car to drive me home in?" Cloudchaser asked in a teasing tone.


>ponies
>driving

This joke would work if they were anthro (which if that were the case, I wouldn’t be reading this because I hate anthro stories), but here, it comes across as awkward.


"Because if so that'll be really quite fun with some of the things you can get up to in the back seats."


Grabs phone. “Yeah, FBI, I’d like to report a crime… yeah, it’s a literary one.”




That makes me feel better.


Blueblood once again tugged at his tie nervously as Cloudchaser laughed to herself.


Brick, you’re a damn great friend, but the way you write these two makes me want to rip my jugular out and use it for a ring toss game.


Suddenly, the car spoke in a angered and quite offended tone.


“Are you not even going to acknowledge my spoilers!?”


"You two will do no such thing! I absolutely hate it when you organics... interface. UGH!"


Once again, Knock-Out proves that the Transformers are the best characters when anywhere so long as Michael Bay is not involved.


The "car" yelled, and Blueblood and Shining both imagined that if the car could shudder, it would have done so.


Everything after “yelled” is almost as awkward to read as the “romance” in this story.


And then, everypony was in for another surprise as the whole car shifted and changed into a tall red armored figure with a gray noseless face who reached out with one of his arms, grabbed both Cloudchaser and Blueblood before putting them inside his chest and transforming back to vehicle mode and driving off down the crowded street with ponies diving out of the way and cursing out the newcomer.


Woooah, woah. Run on sentence. Qu’est-ce que c’est?
Shining, from a alleyway groaned and muttered to himself something that perfectly summed up the situation at hand.


“Spider-Man 3 was better than Spider-Man 2.”


"Why me?"


Because you’re a bad character and you should’ve died when Chrysalis attacked your wedding.


Now…


Oh crap, we’re back to here? I don’t wanna go back! Uh, uh… AH-HAH!




I’M OUT SUCKAS!


Okay, so now we're back in the present.


Crap, I was on the wrong side of the wall.


Currently Blueblood was trying to free himself from his restraints if not successfully.


He forgot the code word safety word. Spoiler alert: it’s “Sweet Victory Should’ve Been Played at the Super Bowl”.


"Hey, what the hay is your reason for doing this anyway?"


“I wasn’t in Bumblebee and that’s VERY insulting!”


Blueblood yelled and if the car could it would roll it's eyes again.


“Screw you, Travis Knight!”


"Who do you think you are anyway?"


Batman.


"...I was wondering about that." Cloudchaser commented to herself.


All you were thinking about was Blueblood’s blueballs.


Finally they received some answers from the car itself.




"Here's the shimmy. Designation's Knock-Out, medic of the good ship Nemesis. Boss-Bot, big guy and really scary in way you wouldn't want to tick him off, he wants some high class figure to ransom for some precious energon cubes. Me, all I care about is some lab rats and you'll do just fine."


So does that mean you’re gonna fuse these two together and make them dance to Cotton Eye Joe? Because if that’s the case, I’m all aboard the “horrible experiments carried out by a sociopathic robot” train.


The now named robot explained. Then there was a loud thud from behind as Shining jumped onto Knock-Out's trunk much to his annoyance.


Damn it.


"Hey, get off me?


“I don’t know why this is a question, but it is!?”


You know how much your hooves will ruin my finish?"


“I originally wanted to be a law enforcement interrogator, okay!?”


He yelled and Shining gained a thoughtful look.


“Y’know, I think I’ll sell you to the local auto body shop for some extra cash for my soon-to-be fiancee.”


Knock-Out suddenly felt the urge to panic.


“I FORGOT MY ADDERALL!”


Then, Shining shoved his sword into Knock-Out's trunk lid even as the decepticon took a hard right in a attempt to throw him off.


Spider-horse. Spider-horse. Does whatever a—I’m not ruining Spider-Man anymore with this stupid bastard Hasbro calls a character.


Knock-Out screeched in rage.


FUCKING NORMIES! REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!


"AAACKKK! You know, when I get my hands on you-"


“I’m going to make you watch A Serbian Film!”


Shining ignored him and shouted to Blueblood.


“Ayo, what’s the password for the WiFi?”


"Do something, Prince Charming!"


I cringe so hard, I think I quantum leapt into the fourth dimension.


He yelled, adding in his personal nickname for the Prince just to annoy him.


Never mind, the fifth dimension.


It worked, although currently Blueblood was just more frantic then annoyed right now.


I bet if I could’ve seen this instead of being told, it would’ve been the sixth dimension.


"Yeah, like what?" Blueblood yelled, and his savior yelled back.


“Play that scene from Blazing Saddles where the guys asks where the white women at!”


"ANYTHING!"


Can happen when you’re part of a team.


Shrugging, Blueblood threw his hooves onto the steering wheel and took control.


He then proceeded to run down dozens of innocent shoppers because this is Grand Theft Auto VI.


Knock-Out shouted various Cybertronian curse words at him, but they were ignored while Cloudchaser teased "You really need to wash out your mouth. Do ya kiss your mother with it?"


How the hell does Cloudchaser know they’re swears? Can she suddenly speak Cybertronian?


"For the record, my mother taught me most of those."


Once again, Brick, your strongest asset in this story is writing the Transformer. I can’t tell if that’s a sign that you’re really great at writing them or if these two are just that poorly written in my eyes. Probably a mixture of both considering I still really love that story with Trixie walking to Twilight’s castle and that one had no Transformers. At least, as far as I know.


Knock-Out stated as if this was something for him to be proud of.


Hey, I’m proud of all the swears that I learned from my parent! Like—


"Now get your dirty hooves off my steering wheel you fleshy!"


No, you take your stinkin’ paws off of me you damn dirty robot.


Then, Blueblood made him swerve into a store window.


That… well, that’s gonna cost a lot of money to repair. And the funeral costs… nice. Dead ponies.


He and Cloudchaser were swiftly ejected out of the doors as Knock-Out backed up, threw Shining off him and sped off down the street to locations unknown saying "Alright, that's it. I've about had enough of you two. There are easier targets to grab or at least less annoying ones!"


Why not kill them first? C’mon, you already killed God knows how many on the way here. What’s a few more dead horses? Think of the glue that could be made!


Shining rubbed his head and groaned even as Cloudchaser kissed Blueblood on the cheek saying "Thanks for the great time Charming. Best date I've ever had." and walked off with a swing in her step. Blueblood just gaped.


… wat?


END


Game?


Author's Note:
Wow, three one shots in one week. I'm on a role here!


No, you’re just stuck beneath Knock-Out’s tires.


Why do I have a feeling I'll be one of those people who posts lots of stories?
Self fulfilling prophecy.


Anyways, I think it's obvious why Knock-Out got to be the bot chosen here isn't it, what with him having some similarities to Blueblood and all in vainness.


You did a great job with your bot choice. I also didn’t see that many similarities considering one was a likable bastard and the other was Blueblood.


Speaking of Blueblood, I tried to write him here as somewhat vain and a bit bratty, but not too out of character so that it's bashing.


You still made me hate him all the same for how obnoxious he was.


Also, as for why I chose Cloudchaser as his date, well why not? Haven't used her before, and I like trying out new charicters.


Calls the FBI’s literary division again.


Finally, does anyone think I should expand on this universe as I've already got one more one shot for this world planned with Spitfire and Powerglide, would anyone like to see it?


I’d love to see Luna and The Fallen.


Edit: Changed the name to avoid confusion with similar named things.


Can I change the story now?

So, that… that was Knock-Out’s Annoyance, Blueblood’s Bad Day. It was a story that I read. It was… a story I didn’t like at all. I can’t say I’ve read a lot of your stories, Brick, but the one of Trixie walking back to Twilight’s house was simple, emotional, and heartwarming. Thinking about that story, then thinking about this one (which I admit was one of the first ones you ever posted) makes me both happy to see how far you’ve come as an author and make me want to bash my head against a wall because of how aggressively poor it was. What’s better is there’s two sequels. We’ll look at both. But first, I really need to get back to Mr. Bear’s Cellar.

2 comments:

  1. Was that mean-spirited, maybe a little. But funny? Yes. Here's the thing about Cloudchaser and Blueblood really. There's a reason aside from my newbie skils I was so bad at them. That was actually the first time I ever wrote them. -Irony really, considering that was the first time I've written Knock Out as well- so that may explain a lot of the cringeworthiness in their lines. I just needed experience with them. Cloudchaser is the only character I haven't written since then tbh.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Tyler "Bio" RodriguezFebruary 7, 2019 at 10:38 PM

    Boy Transformers must have realllly changed since my day.........

    ReplyDelete